Would you send this to your father? To your mother?
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Hi Dad / Mom. My favorite friends are not necessarily those who agree with me most, but those who most delight in expressing, and listening to, and collaboratively evolving new and varied ideas. I love two-way conversations with equal mutual respect, equal mutual consideration, and equal mutual authority, celebrating the unexpected, its not mattering whether we agree. I love to listen to another's whole statement, expecting it to evolve somewhere I've never heard or thought before, before I respond. I enjoy it when another listens to my whole statement, expecting it to evolve somewhere they have [natural usage for s/he has] never heard or thought before, before they respond. I like to pause after each statement, to allow another to respond or introduce another idea. I enjoy it when another pauses after each statement, to allow me to respond or introduce another idea. I enjoy it when we both listen to each other, as eager to hear every detail of each other's thoughts as we are to tell our own, as eager to hear as to be heard, as eager to allow each other to be heard and understood as to be allowed ourselves, without its mattering whether we agree. I prefer never predicting what another is going to say, but letting them speak for themself [natural coined word], and hearing them out, before responding. I enjoy another's never predicting what I'm going to say, but letting me speak for myself, and hearing me out, before responding. If I disagree with part of what another says, I like to think and state precisely which details I disagree with, rather than to generalize for rhetorical advantage. I enjoy it when another does the same. I prefer dialog to debate or argument, because I love to learn and evolve, and to invite others to, too. I also respect others' boundaries, and I prefer that they respect mine, if they or I don't want to hear something. Ironically, what we try to silence in each other are very often our own preconceived expectations, very different from what the other is actually trying to say. Wouldn't it be nice if we not only believed we wanted to know each other's thoughts and feelings, but actually behaved so, too? Your son / daughter, [Your name] [Hand-drawn big yellow smiley!]  (c) 09 poetdancer (Link to BegumMagnolia's group: Intuition ~ Our Inner Voice.) (Link to my group: Arts & Artists.) |
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4/25/2009 4:13 pm |
It would not be neccesary. Too many words. I tried desperately to start a correspondence like that of Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud. Hopeless. Om tat phat
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4/26/2009 3:50 am |
Stern, yes. I've come to the conclusion that it's best to not expect more than relatives have to offer, but to enjoy good communication and good relationships where one finds them, regardless of familial ties, nationality, ethnicity, socioeconomics, political or spiritual philosophy, age, or gender. So I give my family lots of light cheerful friendly small talk, and I enjoy sharing my interests and passions with whoever else happens to enjoy sharing them with me. My family too try to interest me in their interests, for example psychoanalytic projecting of stereotyping gossip and voyeurism, which I refuse to listen to or participate in. I'd rather perceive here now, respond here now, create here now, than project preconceived theory, doctrine, dogma, and the pussiest possible interpretations of everyone and everything. I'd rather focus on creating the positive than wallow defeatedly in exaggerated muck, pretending that it's therapeutic or some truth to set us free. The only truth that ever set anyone free is that we are free to collaboratively create our own fair generous kind ethical balanced harmonious beautiful practical responsible shared reality.
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4/26/2009 4:53 am |
We seem to have different problems. I'm trying to help my mother with understanding the benefits of psychoanalyzis, but she only gets annoyed. I've felt very isolated, not being able to talk with my parents on relevant things. But I'm at ease now. In fact, schizophrenia has helped me. but psychology is difficult if you do not have a higher understanding, causing a projection of "psychologic" evaluements on the environment. Om tat phat
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4/26/2009 6:36 am |
Stern, you express yourself very well. I understand. Different people like and trust different philosophies, sciences, spiritualities, religions, healing and wellness practices, and ways of living and communicating, etc. Perhaps psychoanalysis may be helpful for you but not for your mother. I personally prefer Dianetics. I find it much more workable and effective, also safer and more fun. There are good books on Dianetics at libraries and bookstores. It's probably best to tell your mother about your own benefits from psychoanalysis but not to pressure her to follow the same path, but to let her make up her own mind what she wants to do. Even Jesus said to offer the gospel to everyone, but if they aren't interested, to "shake the dust from your feet," and to "cast not your pearls" in front of anyone who might "trample them underfoot," not that she would. I also recommend finding various different friends who do want to share each of your different interests and activities. It's best not to pressure any relative or friend or anyone into sharing what they don't feel like sharing. I recommend sharing with your mother the things that both of you feel like sharing together, and finding other friends for each of your other interests and activities. If some of your relatives and friends want to share a few of your interests, great. But if they don't, you can share them with someone else. I share different interests and activities with different friends, according to what each feels like sharing. It feels better for them and for me. Probably the most effective way you can help your mother is to support her being and doing as she wants to, on her own choice and decision. If you accept her as she wants to be and do, and if you just be a good example of a person helped by psychoanalysis, without constantly pointing this out, she is more likely to eventually feel comfortable about trying it for herself. But even if she never does, she will probably be happier if you just share with her what she wants you to, and allow her freedom. Probably you will feel happier too, if you accept that she can give you what she has to give, and other friends can give you other things that they have to give.
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4/27/2009 1:32 am |
Thank you very much. You are soo right. I'm sometimes offended by others. Om tat phat
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4/27/2009 4:44 am |
I am too. I have to confront my own reactions and dissolve them away, and help others confront and dissolve away their reactions, so we can all create ever more freely. Again, we should offer help to everyone, but never try to enforce it on anyone. However, it is a mistake and a trap to wait to create only after we are already totally free. We will never be perfect, and creating as freely as we can right now is even more healing and strengthening than is confronting and dissolving away our reactions. It is most effective to put more than half of our focus on creating the present and future. Wellness practices should be enhancements of life, not substitutes for life. Live now.
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4/28/2009 7:48 pm |
Thank you, Poet . Not much to say as I think we've chatted on this before in the Magazine. Yes, I wish we could all talk with one another in the present moment, with the physical actual person in front of us, instead of through acquired degenerate misbeliefs, prejudice, preconceptions, 'baggage', ghosts of past people and experience, of self, genetic history or mass consciousness.
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4/29/2009 7:09 am |
Wow! Tara, you nailed it. In the past, my parents have listened, understood, appreciated, even agreed, even somewhat reformed, better when I've sent them letters than in person or on the phone. I sometimes have to rewrite a letter several times over days, weeks, months, or years, if not decades, to express myself kindly and effectively, without giving back what I'm asking them not to give me, before mailing it to them. Some letters I never mail, if I'm not ready to deal with the responsibility and qi expenditures of having deeper communication with burdened defensive souls. I have found it much more effective to give them abundance of light cheerful good news than to try to discuss anything that makes them bridle. But at present, I still feel the need and desire to ask them to behave kindly toward me and toward others, which is why I wrote the letter above. I would enthusiastically welcome loving sincere communion of any kind with them, but I've outgrown needing from them what they can't or don't wish to give. As I wrote to Stern above, we can find different friends for different sharings. I too am not always willing to share what they want to share.
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5/14/2009 7:12 pm |
Sorry for the slow response. I have thought on and off of your comments. Writing letters that you don't always post is an interesting idea. Articulating emotions into some 'solid' form does help to dispel some of their power. I like the resolution of 'no longer needing what they cannot or are not willing to provide'. So true. It's not a matter of 'forgiveness' but acceptance. Forgiveness involves a sense of superiority on the part of the person who perceives themselves in the 'right'. Forgiveness involves apportioning blame, judgement. But in this Universe, there is no right or wrong. Only experience, all 'modules' we have to take in order to graduate spiritually. I've had a lot of bad blood between myself and my father, with episodes of verbal and physical violence. I didn't speak with him for a number of years. We had an artificial reconciliation in 2006 but the cracks were still building till earlier this year. I had to have another healer to perform a soul clearing on me. My father and I have nearly equal past lives where either one of us persecuted or killed the other. We no longer need to be in that loop.
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5/15/2009 11:03 am |
Tara, so true. Thank you. Also, forgiveness or acceptance does not necessarily include agreement, condoning, trust, or willingness to be misused again. Such may need additional negotiation, healing, or growth, on either or both sides, or avoidance of sore areas (preferably with mutual agreement to honor each other's boundaries) or any greater degree of avoidance necessary.
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