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 | Blogs > kalanchoe > Mischievious Murmurs > Don't Believe Everything yYou Think... |
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I have gotten stronger. I am much stronger than I was a month and a half ago when I wrote my blog about "A Lovers Silence". I have found my self-worth again. Never again will I allow myself to be involved with someone who uses me as their option while I hold them as my priority. And it has become very clear to me that the only people that I need in my life are those who need me in theirs. Why do I say all this? Because I finally heard from "him". What I heard from him was shocking to me. He was reprimanding me!! YES...he was actually talking to me like a child who needed to be reminded of their place!! He actually thought that after all this time of silence, after all of the pain he caused me that I would want to give our relationship another "try"!! A "try"!! Imagine that! Not, lets discuss this and resolve the issue but, if you can agree to allowing me to treat you like a piece of shit, we can try this again!! Here is what he had to say: I read your messages. thanks for still loveing me. you can love me as much as you want i have no objection to it. I know Love is unconditional but i must remind you that I want a woman who would not mind me being married and won't object me performing my duties and responsibilities as a husband. I have other friends and i need to give them some time too. ( i mean chating on IM) one can not expect all of my time all the time, and if i talk to others don't mean i am avoiding others. And finally i do not want to have relations with someone who may cause problems in my marriage ( knowingly or unknowingly) I think we have clear understanding of all this . I know this is not the best way to put it but i thought it was necessary. And if you agree to all this we can give it a try. Think about it and let me know .i am working night shift so u may not hear from me till Friday. Wish u well. That is what he writes to me after over a month of silence from him. Nothing said about mutual respect. Nothing said about his supposed love for me. Nothing about the concerns I had. So here is what I wrote back to him.(I have replace his name with stars to protect his identity): "I went into shock when I read this. Don't believe everything you think. I am stronger than I was yesterday. Its taken me a while to decide if I was even going to reply to you. I had read through all of our yahoo talks since the very beginning. Here is a saying I found: "I've made mistakes in my life. I've let people take advantage of me, and I accepted way less than I deserve. But I have learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time and I won't settle for anything less than I deserve." Really now V***, how DARE you even insinuate that I would cause trouble in your marriage. If I had wanted to I could have called your home or cell phone. I could have driven to your house!! And you had better back up that accusation truck. I have NEVER had a problem with you 'performing' your duties and responsibilities as a husband. NEVER!! You are CHOOSING to not understand what I was upset about. And that cuts me so deep because I was always so proud of the man you are as a husband and father. I respected you deeply.You point the finger and refuse to understand. You know arrogance and ignorance go hand in hand. As for expecting all of your time all of the time... WHERE IN THE WORLD did this come from? You were the one that always wanted me to be here on yim to talk on the mornings and afternoons that you could...YOU were the one that would say to ME... please try to be here. YOU would tell me this was time you had for me. Somewhere you have talked to someone else who has had these problems or you have had them with someone else. You know what V***? The only people I need in my life are those who need me in theirs. I found my self-respect again and I will NEVER again treat anyone as a priority who only has me as their option. Marilyn Monroe said, "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best!!" How very fitting. She also said, "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself and sometimes good things fall apart so the better things can fall together." I don't know you any more V***. I would have expected a discussion not false accusations. Not from you. I understood fully what our relationship could and could not be. I never even asked for nor demanded more from you. I am totally dumbfounded right now. But you were right about one thing, it was necessary for you to put things that way. By doing so, you destroyed any last remains of love I had held for you in my heart. I didn't think that was even possible. And after everything you have put me through whether directly or indirectly with your silence, I can no longer believe you ever truly loved me. So yes, it was VERY necessary. This saying has profound meaning for me: There are moments in your life that make you and sets the course of who you're going to be. Sometimes they're little, subtle moments. Sometimes, they're big moments you never saw coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. Its what you do after wards that counts. That's when you find out who you are. V****, don't believe everything you think. I AM stronger than I was yesterday. Strong enough to hold my head up high and refuse to be controlled by any man. Strong enough to not allow someone to play mind games with me. Strong enough to say the only people I need in my life are those that need me in theirs. I don't know this V***. Its not necessary to respond. I won't be sitting at my computer waiting to hear from you tomorrow, on that you can count." You may have noticed that not once did he say anything about loving me in his email nor did he ever use my name. He had been reading a lot of erotica and talking about the sub/dom type stuff. I think he thought he could use that type of attitude on me. That I am so "needy" that I would allow him to use me and abuse me for the opportunity to love him!! It hurts, it hurts a lot but not enough to break me again. Never again. |
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11/4/2008 2:57 pm |
 You finally over with it  !This makes me feel like a fool thinking that I said give him time and a benefit of doubt. But the good thing is you are finally over with it! You deserve the best in life and you know that, dont go for anything less then the best! Lots of love Nive  
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11/3/2008 5:55 am |
charming. You did the right thing
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11/2/2008 11:10 pm |
Dear, kalan, you did it eventually!!! What an as***le, really  What does he believe, who he is??  arrogance and stupidity are always going hand in hand.You do not deserve all this. Time heals all wounds, especially when such a clown acts the way he did. He is not worth it any tears or feeling sad. Move on, tomorrow the sun is shining brighter. YD
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