Friday morning, I got up early, dressed quietly, made some sandwiches, grabbed some beer, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 kmph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.....
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
A farmer had the misfortune Of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender.
The Moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful Daughter. So he proposed a bargain.
He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his Daughter. Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the Proposal.
So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let Providence decide the matter.
He told them that he would put a black Pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag. Then the girl would Have to pick one pebble from the bag.
1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her father's debt would be forgiven.
2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven.
3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into Jail.
They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As They talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he Picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two Black pebbles and put them into the bag.
He then asked the girl to pick A pebble from the bag.
Now, imagine that you were standing in the field. What would you have Done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you Have told her?
Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:
1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.
2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag And expose the money-lender as a cheat.
3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order To save her father from his debt and imprisonment.
Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with The hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral And logical thinking.
The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with Traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses
The above logical answers.
What would you recommend to the Girl to do?
Well, here is what she did ....
The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without Looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path Where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.
'Oh, how clumsy of me,' she said. 'But never mind, if you look into the Bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I Picked.'
Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had Picked the white one. And since the money-lender dared not admit his Dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into An extremely advantageous one.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Most complex problems do have a solution. It is only that we don't Attempt to think.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR EVERS HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOOOOOOO YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Now I'd wish for you to keep smiling through this new year but then you already do that
I know all on IFF will join me in wishing you the VERY BEST on this day and in the days to come. May this be THE BEST birthday yet and may you have plenty of pleasant and wonderful surprises come your way
Just stay the way you are - warm and friendly, kind and thoughtful, not to mention, a fantastic trustworthy friend and of course....eversmiling
When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing for 6 months. I could deal with that
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake up to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definately deal with that!
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of hand, you swat them too. I could deal with that....
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat!!!!!!
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded , I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!) Hehehehe...clever, huh?
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least
Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh crap.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted'
Most of the time my posts are light hearted and my only attempt is to spread cheer and laughter. However, there are occasions when something strikes a chord deep in one's heart. This is one of those times and I couldn't resist sharing the following story with you. It made me realize that compassion is indeed a human trait and can be seen in almost anyone if they're given a chance. You might have read this before as well, but I believe certain good thoughts/points deserve being repeated.
At a fund-raising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:
'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?'
The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued.
'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'
Then he told the following story.
Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.
I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'
Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.
In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.
Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.
However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.
The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
The game would now be over.
The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.
Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.
Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to first!'
Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.
He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!' Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home. All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay' Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay run to third!'
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team
'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.
Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth....
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational... A: So what's your question?
Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A : Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.
'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 3. The dryer has shr unk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'. 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.' 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 5.. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 4.. Cutting your hair to make it grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN
OF COURSE, THERE ARE "SOME" EXCEPTIONS....YOU KNOW...THE KIND OF MEN WE CAN CALL OUR "SOUL SISTAHS"
On 60 Minutes - this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40; goes to show we are going the right way...hehehe
60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS):
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter. "
and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' 
, I headed for home.
whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Ladies, I apologize.
