Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth....
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational... A: So what's your question?
Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A : Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.
'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 3. The dryer has shr unk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'. 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.' 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 5.. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 4.. Cutting your hair to make it grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN
OF COURSE, THERE ARE "SOME" EXCEPTIONS....YOU KNOW...THE KIND OF MEN WE CAN CALL OUR "SOUL SISTAHS"
On 60 Minutes - this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40; goes to show we are going the right way...hehehe
60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS):
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter. "
It’s Janya’s birthday this date She figured she’d not celebrate I thought of a cake But I really can’t bake So I got on a train And racked my brain To get her mood to elevate
Ok, so I'm no poet but hey...I tried
Dearest Janya, I can't even begin to list all the wonderful things about you, but suffice to say....................... You're our original chulbulli, lovable pangebaaz, winner of the longest and most gorgeous hair contest, kind, affectionate, genuine….the list goes on and on and on...
To a girl who is adored and loved by all…We wish you a VERY, VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! May all your wishes come true and may you have nothing but the very best in life. May you never have to kiss any frogs…may your prince charming show up at your doorstep on bended knee…We wish you all this and much more our darling!
No offence to any blondes...bottle or natural...and yes, this IS a copy paste
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. 'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
"See, the problem is God gives men a brain and a p***s, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams
"According to a new survery, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say women are too judgemental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful." - Robert De Niro
"Women need a reason to have s**. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal
"Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson
"My girlfriend always laughs during s** - no matter what she's reading." - Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships." - Sharon Stone
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - George Burns
"Bise*uality immediately doubles your chances of a date on Saturday night." - Rodney Dangerfield
"Having s** is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Woody Allen
Disclaimer: These are "quotes" so yes, they're all copy pastes
These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far....
A guy woke up at home with a huge hangover . He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of Aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sat down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table - "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door".
Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes off, you said , "Hey !!!!!!! Leave me alone! I'm married" !"
Moral of the Story .........
Breakfast - Rs. 100.00
Self-induced hangover - Rs. 2000.00
Broken furniture - Rs. 20,000.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk - PRICELESS !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl " Will you marry me? "
The girl said: " NO! "
And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her a**, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.
whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Ladies, I apologize.
. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of Aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sat down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. 
