A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:
A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys........smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
..... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
..... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
..... At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits.
......At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says "BLOW JOB REVENGE":
A local newspaper (in England) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.
My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe "go to hell" !!!
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Oh loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face!!
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not!
I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming!
My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way.
Do you, like I, have this habit of visualizing what you read
In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, as you know, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for "Water Closet". She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC.
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a " Wayside Chapel " (Place where Celebrations are done especially like a beautiful garden) near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds.
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam, I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. We can take photos as well. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time. I would recommend Your Ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.
My son was listening to this song and it reminded me of the days I was totally into hard rock...(((still am .... )))
DISCLAIMER: Since this is a popular song by a popular artist, you might have heard it/read the lyrics somewhere or someone might have told you about it before
Don't tell me I'm wrong Don't tell me that you knew all along I won't roll over dead Only I know what goes on in my head I've got nothing to hide I'm not guilty inside I won't give up After all I'm still crazy
I'm not going away I'm not going Try so hard to break But all your diamonds turn to sand I'm not going away I'm not going Say goodbye forever I'll wait for you in no man's land
Get out of my way There's nothing you can do to change what I say I won't ever let go I got the answer but you'll never know I got my eyes open wide Ain't gonna slip up or slide Can't take me down After all I'm still crazy
I'm not going away
I'm not going away I'm not going away I'm not going away I'm not going Say goodbye forever I'll wait for you in no man's land
When you have an "I Hate My Job "... day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your local pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. Purchase a rectal thermometer ...made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get ONLY this brand.
When you get home : Lock your doors Draw the curtains Disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable pyjamas and sit in your favourite chair. Carefully open the package and remove the thermometer. Place it on a table or a surface so that it will not chip or break. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice, in small print , there is a statement.
"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so thankful that I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."
HAVE A GLORIOUS DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Mr. Sori: You are now talking to someone! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan: I'm Sum Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent!
Mr. Sori: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr. Sori: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan: You are rude. Who are you?
Mr. Sori: I'm Sori.
Lee Sum Wan: You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr. Sori: I'm Sori!!
Lee Sum Wan: I don't like your tone of voice Mr. and I don't care, give me your name!
Mr. Sori: Look lady, I told you already I'm Sori! I'm Sori!! I'm SORI!!! You didn't even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan: I told u before I'm Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy!
With time, I have learnt that whatever you expect, with confidence, becomes your own self-fulfilling prophecy.
When, with absolute conviction and confidence, you expect good things to happen, that is how events will unfold. Negativity on the other hand, ensures a not so happy outcome. Of course, this is not to say we can simply 'will' everything to go our way - rather it is to suggest that a positive attitude is always conducive to a more productive and therefore more satisfying experience. For instance, if you smile while speaking on the phone, the person on the other end can actually 'hear' your smile, which instantly puts them at ease. Conversely, a scowl rings just as loud and immediately puts one on the defensive.
Your expectations have an equally strong effect on the people around you. What you expect from individuals and situations determines your attitude toward them more than any other factor. Whether positive or negative, your demeanor is reflected back at you. I personally have never believed in the 'laying down and dying' approach. It has worked for me - every single time I've had an upheaval in my life. Dwelling on the past is not a favored pastime either. I prefer to "let myself be happy". It lights up things around. The brighter, the better
, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you 
and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a " Wayside Chapel " (Place where Celebrations are done especially like a beautiful garden) near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds. 
... day, try this: 
...made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get ONLY this brand. 
