Walking on Water Jun 3, 2007 9:35 am Mood: giggly, 1124 Views A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat. A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same. He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat. Finally the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat. But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around. The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, "Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were." 6 Comments

Late Nighters Jun 3, 2007 9:15 am Mood: drunk, 1095 Views Something to put you to sleep ... or maybe not "How about this? A 60-year-old woman gave birth with twins. She was in labor for 16 years. The kids came out and asked for the car keys. " -David Letterman "Tomorrow is the 30th anniversary of the premier of "Star Wars.” They’re having a huge convention with 10,000 fans. Last night at the convention center they had a 17-hour marathon screening of all the "Star Wars” films. It’s amazing how much fun you can have when you’re not tied down to a girlfriend, or your own apartment, or self esteem . . ." -Craig Ferguson "Jimmy Carter actually said that George W. Bush is the worst in history. Then Bush said that’s not true, he said that he was the worst in math and English. He actually got a C- in history." -Jay Leno "Some of Michael Jackson’s personal processions will be auctioned off in Las Vegas the end of this month. The one thing that Michael won’t be parting with though, is his Pinocchio doll. Do you know about this? Michael will not sell his Pinocchio doll. You know, on the off chance, that one day it might became a real live boy." -Jay Leno "Nelson Mandela’s birthday is coming up. A concert is being planned to celebrate Nelson Mandela’s birthday. Friends say that Mandela wants the Spice Girls to perform. Apparently 27 years in prison really screws with your taste in music." -Conan O'Brien "How about this? At a charity auction yesterday someone paid $350,000 to be kissed by George Clooney. I had no idea Ryan Seacrest had that kind of money." -Jay Leno 3 Comments

Believe It or Not Jun 3, 2007 8:58 am Mood: bouncy, 1037 Views Hospital Bloopers These were actual hospital patient reports...enjoy! 1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 12. She is numb from her toes down. 5 Comments

Marital Woes May 22, 2007 2:31 am Mood: mischievous, 1364 Views Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins! Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered. It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he' ll fall asleep before you finish. There' s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. Girlfriends are like chocolates, taste good anytime. Lovers are like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently. Husbands are like Dhal RICE, eaten when there's no choice. Man receives telegram: Wife dead - should be buried or cremated? Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash. Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'? Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir. Q: Why doesn't the law permit a man to marry a second woman? A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence! Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life! ' You only live ones ... Enjoy!! 11 Comments

My One and Only Love May 20, 2007 5:46 am Mood: melancholy, 1488 Views At night I miss you most of all When darkness begins to fall It's then I reach inside my heart You are there never to depart.... Loving words you have said to me Remains etched in my memory You vow your love so very true Showing it in all things you do.... I need you in my life every day To help me along a lonely way I must hear love words you say Or my world will taint to gray.... In my dreams you are with me In reality you are never to be Our deep love is pure and strong Why then is it so very wrong.... As time passes on without you My love, will still remain true I pray for a day we will be free To share eternal love in reality... 14 Comments

A Girl May 14, 2007 1:24 am Mood: naughty, 1694 Views As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! . ' Excuse me, what were you thinkin? 29 Comments

Mother's Day May 12, 2007 9:28 am Mood: beautiful, 1324 Views * The youngest mother whose history is authenticated is Lina Medina, who delivered a 6-pound boy by cesarean section in Lima, Peru in 1939, at an age of 5 years and 7 months. The child was raised as her brother and only discovered that Lina was his mother when he was 10. * On April 9, 2003, Satyabhama Mahapatra, a 65-year-old retired schoolteacher in India, became the world's oldest mother when she gave birth to a baby boy. Satyabhama and her husband had been married 50 years, but this is their first child. The baby was conceived through artificial insemination using eggs from the woman's 26-year-old niece, Veenarani Mahapatra, and the sperm of Veenarani's husband. * Bobbie McCaughey is the mother who holds the record for the most surviving children from a single birth. She gave birth to the first set of surviving septuplets - four boys and three girls -on November 19, 1997, at the University Hospital, Iowa, US. Conceived by in vitro fertilization, the babies were delivered after 31 weeks by caesarean in the space of 16 minutes. * Jayne Bleackley is the mother who holds the record for the shortest interval between two children born in separate confinements. She gave birth to Joseph Robert on September 3, 1999, and Annie Jessica Joyce on March 30, 2000. The babies were born 208 days apart. * Elizabeth Ann Buttle is the mother who holds the record for the longest interval between the birth of two children. She gave birth to Belinda on May 19,1956 and Joseph on November 20, 1997. The babies were born 41 years 185 days apart. The mother was 60 years old when her son Joseph was born. * The highest officially recorded number of children born to one mother is 69, to the first wife of Feodor Vassilyev (1707-1782) of Shuya, Russia. Between 1725 and 1765, in a total of 27 confinements, she gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets, and four sets of quadruplets. 67 of them survived infancy. * The modern world record for giving birth is held by Leontina Albina from San Antonio, Chile. Leontina claims to be the mother of 64 children, of which only 55 of them are documented. She is listed in the 1999 Guinness World Records but dropped from later editions. * Kim Basinger's mother had been a champion swimmer who performed water ballets in several Esther Williams movies in the 1940s. * Madonna's mother died when she was five years old. * Phyllis Diller, a 40-year-old mother of five and an advertising copywriter for a California radio station, made a rousing comedy debut at San Francisco's Purple Onion in 1957. * Elvis Presley, was a mama's boy. He slept in the same bed with his mother, Gladys, until he reached puberty. Up until Elvis entered high school, she walked him back and forth to school every day and made him take along his own silverware so that he wouldn't catch germs from the other kids. Gladys forbade young Elvis from going swimming or doing anything that might put him in danger. The two of them also conversed in a strange baby talk that only they could understand. * Meredith Baxter-Birney played the mother, Elyse Keaton on the hit TV sitcom Family Ties. Her actress mother, Whitney Blake, also played a mom: Dorothy Baxter, on TV's Hazel. * James McNeill Whistler's best known painting, often called "Whistler's Mother," is actually titled "Arrangement in Black and Gray: The Artist's Mother." * Many of the sweaters worn by Mr. Rogers on the popular television show, Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, were actually knitted by his real mother. * Eric Clapton was born to an unwed mother and to shield him from the shame, Eric grew up believing that his grandparents were his parents and his mother was his sister. 16 Comments

If ..... May 3, 2007 9:51 am Mood: thoughtful, 1291 Views IF you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools: If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!' If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, ' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son! 14 Comments

Is There Baseball in Heaven? May 3, 2007 5:10 am Mood: confused, 1379 Views Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him daily. "Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me a favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven." Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend for years........of course, I'll tell you." And shortly after, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...." "Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Moe, it's me, Sam." "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died." "I'm telling you," "It's me, Sam!" "Sam? Is that you? Where are you?" "I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got good news and a little bad news." "So, tell me the good news first," says Moe. "The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!" "Really?" says Moe, "That's great, but what's the bad news?" "Ahhh -- Sam, you're pitching next Tuesday." 16 Comments

Why oh Why? May 1, 2007 10:05 am Mood: curious, 1322 Views Why Are Things The Way They Are? During my junior year in high school, Mr. Reynolds, my English teacher, handed each student a list of thoughts or statements written by other students then gave us a creative writing assignment based on one of those thoughts. At 17, I was beginning to wonder about many things, so I chose the statement, "I wonder why things are the way they are?" That night, I wrote down in the form of a story all the questions that puzzled me about life. I realized that many of them were hard to answer, and perhaps others couldn't be answered at all. When I turned in my paper, I was afraid that I might fail the assignment because I had not answered the question, "I wonder why things are the way they are?" I had no answers. I had only written questions. The next day Mr. Reynolds called me to the front of the class and asked me to read my story for the other students. He handed me my paper and sat down in the back of the room. The class became quiet as I began to read my story. Mommie, Daddy........Why? Mommie, why are the roses red? Mommie, why is the grass green and the sky blue? Why does a spider have a web and not a house? Daddy, why can't I play in your toolbox? Teacher, why do I have to read? Mother, why can't I wear lipstick to the dance? Daddy, why can't I stay out until 12:00? The other kids can. Daddy, why don't the boys like me? Why do I have to be so skinny? Why do I have braces and wear glasses? Why do I have to be 16? Mom, why do I have to graduate? Dad, why do I have to grow up? Mom, Dad, why do I have to leave? Mom, why don't you write more often? Dad, why do I miss my old friends? Dad, why do you love me so much? Dad, why do you spoil me? Your little girl is growing up. Mom, why don't you visit? Mom, why is it hard to make new friends? Dad, why do I miss being at home? Dad, why does my heart skip a beat when he looks in my eyes? Mom, why do my legs tremble when I hear his voice? Mother, why is being "in love" the greatest feeling in the world? Why does love hurt? Daddy, why don't you like to be called "Gramps"? Mother, why do my baby's tiny fingers cling so tightly to mine? Mother, why do they have to grow up? Daddy, why do they have to leave? Why do I have to be called "Grannie"? Mommie, Daddy, why did you have to leave me? I need you. Why did my youth slip past me? Why does my face show every smile that I have ever given to a friend or a stranger? Why does my hair glisten a shiny silver? Why do my hands quiver when I bend to pick a flower? Why, God, are the roses red? At the conclusion of my story, my eyes locked with Mr. Reynold's eyes, and I saw a tear slowly sliding down his cheek. It was then that I realized that life is not always based on the answers we receive, but also on the questions that we ask. ~Lisa Burchett~ 16 Comments

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