"In Cambodia, a woman was found who lived alone in the jungle for 20 years and who speaks an unintelligible language. They don't know what she's saying. Experts are predicting she will soon move to America and become the next governor of California."
-Conan O'Brien
"Hillary Clinton, senator from New York, announced she wants to be president. She would be our first female president ... if you don't count James Buchanan."
-David Letterman
"The Reverend Jesse Jackson says that he will endorse Barack Obama. Experts say that this is risky for Jackson because not much rhymes with Obama."
-Conan O Brien
"A research group has found that many of Wal-Mart’s advertised organic foods are not organic. So they are now suing Wal-Mart. Maybe the first clue that it wasn’t organic was that it was found at Wal-Mart?!"
-Jay Leno
"Forbes” magazine has released its list of the 20 richest women in show business and Oprah is number one. Numbers two through twenty belonged to people in her audience."
One day, on 9/9/99, a man woke up at 9:09 a.m. in the morning, jumped on Bus #99 and went to his favorite restaurant on 9th Street. When the cashier rang up his order, it totaled $9.99.
"Oh, wow, this is an omen!" the man said, so he bought a pair of cheap binoculars at the 99¢ store, pulled out 99 cents in fares and took Bus #99 to the Race Track. As he approached Gate No. 9, he said to the ticket agent: "I would like to bet $999.99 on Horse No. 9 in the 9th race."
"Why those particular numbers?" the ticket agent asked.
"Nine seems to be my lucky number today," the man said excitedly. "I'm really on a roll!"
Feeling confident, he sat through the first eight races until Race No. 9 came up. Sure enough, he was on a roll.
