Thought For Today Oct 19, 2007 7:46 am Mood: pissed off, 1106 Views Handle every situation like a dog .... If you can't Eat it or Screw it , Peee on it and Walk Away 9 Comments

**^^ Differences ^^** Oct 16, 2007 8:17 am Mood: thoughtful, 1096 Views Three things differ from one person to the other: voice, look and mind . Although the difference between people is being focused here, the resemblance between us all is being emphasized, thus allowing feelings of hatred, competitiveness and jealousy to shrink and regain their proper size. The difference between my friend's voice and mine is superficial. More important is the difference in opinions. No sane person will talk to himself, hence conversations with friends are initiated and carried out in hope of enriching our life. Learning to respect and appreciate other opinions will enrich and broaden our knowledge and conscience. Different looks and minds of different people should merely encourage us to observe and learn more about new societies and cultures, adding new ideas and information to our life. Realizing these are the only differences should lead us to understand that people are basically the same. Our little wars and conflicts - don't they seem a bit ridiculous in this light? p.s. I do talk to myself in my sleep. Wonder if that makes me in'sane 8 Comments

*~*~ Vaseline ~*~* Oct 14, 2007 8:36 am Mood: naughty, 1323 Views A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a Young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for zex." The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's Bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for zex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for zex?" The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob to make it greasy so the kids can't open the door." And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke!!!... 18 Comments

The Onion & the Christmas Tree Oct 2, 2007 4:19 am Mood: naughty, 1551 Views The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??" "Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only." OMG I hope they don't kick me out now 22 Comments

~*~*~*~ Living Life ~*~*~*~ Sep 30, 2007 8:46 am Mood: beautiful, 1178 Views Life is Beautiful ' ' If you know How to Live it 15 Comments

~~~ Just a Thought ~~~ Sep 29, 2007 8:01 am Mood: bouncy, 1101 Views Keep your enemies close .... But your wives closer 19 Comments

What Do You Really Want? Sep 20, 2007 11:49 pm Mood: content, 1193 Views I recently had a brief conversation with a male friend who asked me casually ... "What kind of man are you looking for?" I sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and ask. "Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said, "Yes." I began slowly to explain to him .... "As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. * I pay my own bills. * I take care of my household without the help of any man. I am in the position to ask, "What can he bring to the table?" My friend looked at me thoughtful. Clearly he thought that I was referring to money. So I quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money, I have enough to give me material comfort. I need something more." "I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life." He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked me to explain. I said, * "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally, because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man." * "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually, because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with disbelievers is a recipe for disaster. * I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. * I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. * I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must be able to respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of himself and/or of his business. I have no problem being submissive... he just has to be worth it. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself". When I finished my spill, I looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "You're asking for a lot." I replied, "I'm worth a lot." 20 Comments

~*~*~ Friends ~*~*~ Sep 18, 2007 4:14 am Mood: happy, 1115 Views Some people come into our lives and quickly go Some stay for a while ... and leave footprints on our heart And we are Never the same again 14 Comments

*^*^*^* Rosh Hashanah Funnies... *^*^*^* Sep 16, 2007 8:17 am Mood: cheerful, 988 Views Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, starts this evening. Unlike January 1st, which is filled with merrymaking and parties, Rosh Hashanah is a time for introspection, and purifying one's soul, In conjunction with this is the custom of Tashlich, where people take crumbs and throw them into a river or other body of water to symbolize throwing away one's sins and starting the new year fresh. However, times have changed... Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, consider these options this year for Rosh Hashanah: For ordinary sins, use White Bread For exotic sins, French Bread For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel For complex sins, Multi-grain For twisted sins, Pretzels For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes For sins of indecision, Waffles For sins committed in haste, Matzah For sins of chutzpah, Bread that's fresh For substance abuse, Poppy Seed For committing arson, Toast For committing auto theft, Caraway For being ill tempered, Sourdough For silliness, Nut Bread For jingoism,Yankee Doodles For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread For hardening our hearts, Jelly doughnuts For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls For immodest dressing, Tarts For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes For promiscuity, Hot Buns For being holier than thou, Bagels For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah For trashing the environment, Dumplings For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread For inhaling, Stoned Wheat Remember, you don't have to show your crumbs to anyone. 8 Comments

~*~*~ Sunday School ~*~*~ Sep 16, 2007 8:10 am Mood: bouncy, 886 Views A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... " 2 Comments

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