Bad Parrot Oct 23, 2009 11:43 pm 404 Views David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything else that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness." David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?" 7 Comments

Breathing Exercise (Pranayama) - Alternate Nostril (Anuloma Viloma) Oct 23, 2009 3:16 am 403 Views Anuloma Viloma is also called the Alternate Nostril Breathing Technique. In this Breathing Technique, you inhale through one nostril, retain the breath, and exhale through the other nostril in a ratio of 2:8:4. The left nostril is the path of the Nadi called Ida and the right nostril is the path of the Nadi called Pingala. If you are really healthy, you will breathe predominantly through the Ida nostril about one hour and fifty minutes, then through the Pingala nostril. But in many people, this natural rhythm is disturbed. Anuloma Viloma restores, equalizes and balances the flow of Prana in the body. One round of Anuloma Viloma is made up of six steps, as shown below. Start by practicing three rounds and build up slowly to twenty rounds, extending the count within the given ratio. The Vishnu Mudra In Anuloma Viloma, you adopt the Vishnu Mudra with your right hand to close your nostrils. Tuck your index and middle finger into your nose. Place the thumb by your right nostril and your ring and little fingers by your left. One Round of Anuloma Viloma (Alternate Nostril Breathing) Inhale through the left nostril, closing the right with the thumb, to the count of four. Hold the breath, closing both nostrils, to the count of sixteen. Exhale through the right nostril, closing the left with the ring and little fingers, to the count of eight. Inhale through the right nostril, keeping the left nostril closed with the ring and little fingers, to the count of four. Hold the breath, closing both nostrils, to the count of sixteen. Exhale through the left nostril, keeping the right closed with the thumb, to the count of eight. Benefits of Anuloma Viloma The exercise of the Anuloma Viloma produces optimum function to both sides of the brain: that is optimum creativity and optimum logical verbal activity. This will make both sides of the brain, the left side which is responsible for logical thinking and the right side which is responsible for creative thinking to function properly. This will lead to a balance between a person's creative and logical thinking. The Yogis consider this to be the best technique to calm the mind and the Nervous System. Anuloma Viloma: The Scientific Confirmation Medical science has recently discovered the nasal cycle, something that was already discovered by the Yogis thousands of years ago. Modern scientists found out that we do not breathe equally on both nostrils, that is one nostril is much easier to breathe through than the other at any particular time. Each nostril alternates about every three hours. The Yogis claim that the natural period is every two hours, but we must remember these studies were done on people who do not have an optimum Health level. Scientists also discovered that the nasal cycle corresponds with brain function. The electrical activity of the brain was found to be greater on the side opposite the less congested nostril. The right side of the brain controls creative activity, while the left side controls logical verbal activity. The research showed that when the left nostril was less obstructed, the right side of the brain was predominant. Test subjects were indeed found to do better on creative tests. Similarly when the right nostril was less obstructed the left side of the brain was predominant. Test subjects did better on verbal skills. Medical science has not quite caught up with the ancient Yogis yet. The Ancient Yogis even went one step further. They observed that a lot of diseases were due to disturbances of the nasal cycle or if a person breathe for too long through one nostril. To prevent and correct this condition, they developed the Alternate Nostril Breathing Technique. This clears any blockage the airflow in the nostrils and reestablishes the natural nasal cycle. For example, the Yogis have known for a long time that prolonged breathing through the left nostril only (over a period of years) will cause Asthma. They also know that this so-called incurable disease can be easily treated by teaching the patient to breathe through the right nostril until the Asthma is cured and prevent it from recurring by doing the Alternate Nostril Breathing Technique. The Yogis also believe that Diabetes is caused, to a large extent, by breathing mainly through the right nostril. 5 Comments

Signs You're "All Grown-Up Now" Oct 23, 2009 3:05 am 395 Views -- You keep more food than beer in the fridge. -- 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. -- You hear your favorite song on an elevator. -- You watch the Weather Channel. -- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. -- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. -- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." -- You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. -- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. -- Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up. -- Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. -- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. -- Dinner and a movie is the whole date, instead of the beginning of one. -- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." -- You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. -- 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. -- You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. -- You read this entire list, looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you, but, can't find one to save your life. 4 Comments

Students....Start Worrying When... Oct 23, 2009 2:17 am 393 Views You consider McDonalds 'real food'. 4.00 am is still early on weekends. You'd rather clean than study. Two miles is not too far to walk for a party. Re-arranging your room is your favorite pastime. You schedule classes around sleep and TV soaps. There is less then $4.50 in your bank account at any given time. The Visa cards are full and the overdraft is up to its limit. Computer solitaire is more than a game, its a way of life. You get excited when you find change that someone carelessly left in the drinks machine. 2 Comments

teenage daughter Oct 23, 2009 2:09 am 416 Views A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend John because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and John said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though John is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree? John has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your loving daughter, Rosie. P.T.O At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read: PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you! 10 Comments

A photographer Oct 22, 2009 8:53 am 426 Views A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures." After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?" 3 Comments

Dieting? Oct 22, 2009 8:49 am 426 Views For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. 6 Comments

Ticket, Please Oct 22, 2009 8:49 am 412 Views Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. After the conference the accountants, being clever with money, decide to copy the engineers on the return trip. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." 2 Comments

Funny Signs.... Again Oct 22, 2009 8:44 am 413 Views At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container." In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager." On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy" On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot." In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday." In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed." In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy." In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home." In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church." On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices, and workmanship." At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel." On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs." In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." 2 Comments

Ashamed Of Myself !!! Oct 21, 2009 10:26 am 514 Views ashamed Of Myself Im living in this world... darling i need you so much....!!! when i close my eyes i see your sweet smile... I wonder why I love you.. i cried every night, wishing you were there to hold me close to your warm body.. but you were not there for me i couldnt find you anywhere.... where can I find you when I am lost????? i feel you always near me I feel worse then ever before..!! oh im ashamed of myself!! 11 Comments

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