An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
A man who hated his mother-in-law got three wishes from a genie. Genie: "Whatever you wish for, your mother-in-law gets DOUBLE." First wish: "I would like one billion dollars." Genie: "Ok but mom get's two billion." Second wish: "I would like an island off the coast of Greece." Genie: "OK but mom get's two islands." Third wish: " I would like you to beat me half to death."
A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it." "Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that." "Why not asked the customer?" "Because that's my husband."
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest-room. Those who remained talked about their kids The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to the flight school to become a pilot He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday The third man said - Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square feet mansion .
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the rest-room and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our son...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends shifted uncomfortably. "Hmmmm, what a shame," one replied.
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!!!" This is sent to me by a dear friend...
Once upon a time there was a cruise ship sailing. On board, a magician was giving a show to some passengers. The magician ALWAYS had a parrot on his shoulder. Whenever the magician told a joke, the parrot would give it away. One time the magician had a knife, he spun it around it dissappeared! The parrot said "It's in his pocket, it's in his pocket". The crowd booed him because the parrot gave it away. The next trick he did, he waved a wand around and it vanished. Again, the parrot said, "It's up his sleeve! It's up his sleeve!" The magician got mad because he couldn't keep any of his tricks secret. The parrot kept giving them away. One day the cruise ship sank. The magician and the parrot managed to make it to an island where they stayed for about 3 months when the parrot, all of a sudden, burst out and asked: "Ok, I give up! Where'd you hide the ship?"
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HE BREWS"
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.
The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.
Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?" Monkey: "Tying their belts" Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!" Officer: "What were the pilots doing?" Monkey: "Checking the system" Officer: "What were you doing?" Monkey: "Looking for my people"
Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks" Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?" Monkey: "Serving the travelers" Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?" Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?" Monkey: "Eating & throwing"
Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?" Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?" Monkey: "Make up" Officer: "What were the pilots doing?" Monkey: "Handling the steering" Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Nothing"
Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?" Monkey: "All were sleeping" Officer: "What were the pilots doing?" Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"
Officer: What were you doing? Monkey: Handling the steering!!!! !
"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. “The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws"..
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests .
A man who hated his mother-in-law got three wishes from a genie.
