Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven.They are all asked, “ When you are in your casket andfriends and family are talking about you,what would you like them to say?
The first guy says -- I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctorof my time,and a great family man.
The second guy says --I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.
The third guy replies --I would like to hear them say ….Look -He is Moving
A mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a short period of time.
Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started. She made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe": Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said. "Good till the last drop". Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second daughter sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husbands cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra long king-size" She was slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing, Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words, "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
1. A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.
2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption : Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
3. Three FASTEST means of Communication : 1. Tele-Phone 2. Tele-Vision 3. Tell to Woman Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.
4. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.
5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman. Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him. Moral : BE SPECIFIC
6. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ? It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.
7. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest. They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should KILL him. Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path. Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.
8. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life. If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.
9. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE. Answer : On their MARRIAGE.
10. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness. Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.
11. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women. Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.
12. "A Ship is always safe at the shore - but that is NOT what it is built for" - Albert Einstein
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water, at the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house." The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!
and said to him. "You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years." The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years" God granted his wish. ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ..... !!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!! God created the dog
and said to him: "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years. You will be a dog. " The dog answered: "Sir, to live 30 years is too much,give me only 15 years. " God granted his wish. ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ...... !!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! God created the monkey
and said to him: "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. " The monkey answered: "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish. ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ..... !!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!! Finally God created man ...
and said to him: "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years." Man responded: "Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. " God granted man's wish ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .... And since then, man lives 20 years as a man , marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back.
Then when his children are grown, he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him,
so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- EMAIL FROM A VERY DEAR FRND OF MINE.....WANTED TO SHARE WITH MY GOOD FRNDS.......DIA
Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells what had happened in the past. Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history. Teacher: Why? Student: There is no future in it.
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have? Ted: $10. Teacher: You don't know maths. Ted: You don't know my father!
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test? Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8 Father: So? Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Yes Dear Girl: Would you die for me? Boy: No, mine is undying love
Man: How old is your father? Boy: As old as me Man: How can that be? Boy: He became a father only when I was born
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his? Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Teacher: "Where were u born?" Student: "Singapore, Sir." Teacher: "Which part?" Student: "All of me, Sir."
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?" Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir." Teacher: "Use your dad's then." Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
A boy came home from school with his exam results. "What did u get?" asked his father. My marks are under water," said the boy. "What do u mean 'under water'?" "They are all below 'C' level" *************
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Tony, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.-------------------------------------------------
1. The family picture is on HIS desk. Ah, a solid, responsible family man. The family picture is on HER desk. Umm, her family will come before her career.
2. HIS desk is cluttered. He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man. HER desk is cluttered. She's obviously a disorganized scatterbrain
3. HE is talking with his co-workers. He must be discussing the latest deal SHE is talking with her co-workers. She must be gossiping.
4. HE's not at his desk. He must be at a meeting. SHE's not at her desk. She must be in the ladies' room.
5. HE's not in the office. He's meeting with customers. SHE's not in the office. She must be out shopping.
6. HE's having lunch with the boss. He's on his way up. SHE's having lunch with the boss. They must be having an affair.
7. The boss criticized HIM. He'll improve his performance. The boss criticized HER. She'll be very upset.
8. HE got an unfair deal. Did he get angry? SHE got an unfair deal. Did she cry?
9. HE's getting married. He'll get more settled. SHE's getting married. She'll get pregnant and leave.
10. HE's having a baby. He'll need a raise. SHE's having a baby. She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.
11. HE's going on a business trip. It's good for his career. SHE's going on a business trip. What does her husband say?
12. HE's leaving for a better job. He knows how to recognize a good opportunity. SHE's leaving for a better job. Women are not dependable.
Can't eat fish .. heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat
Can't eat fruits and veggies ...
insecticides and herbicides
Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!! M M M M M M M M M M M
I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!! Remember - - - 'STRESSED' spelled backwards is ' DESSERTS ' Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.
[Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds. If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately 'That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to A FUNNY EMAIL FORWARDED TO ME BY MY DEAR FREIND...
