A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." ";No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat ";I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache." It Worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With That, He goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying, ";She's not my Wife. She's Not my wife. She's not my wife..." . . . . His funeral services will be held on Sunday
An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty. He asks one of his new students to stand and..... Prof: So you believe in God? Student: Absolutely, sir. Prof : Is God good? Student: Sure. Prof: Is God all-powerful? Student : Yes. Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm? (Student is silent.) Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is God good? Student: Yes. Prof: Is Satan good? Student : No. Prof: Where does Satan come from? Student: From...God.. . Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world? Student: Yes. Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct? Student: Yes. Prof: So who created evil? (Student does not answer.) Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they? Student: Yes, sir. Prof: So, who created them? (Student has no answer.) Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God? Student: No, sir. Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God? Student: No, sir. Prof: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter? Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't. Prof: Yet you still believe in Him? Student: Yes. Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son? Student: Nothing. I only have my faith. Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has. Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat? Prof: Yes. Student: And is there such a thing as cold? Prof: Yes. Student: No sir. There isn't. (The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.) Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold . Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat . We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy . Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it . (There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.) Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness? Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness? Student : You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light....But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you? Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man? Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed. Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how? Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor.Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey? Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do. Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir? (The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.) Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher? (The class is in uproar.) Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain? (The class breaks out into laughter.) Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain,sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir? (The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable. ) Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son. Student: That is it sir... The link between man & god is FAITH . That is all that keeps things moving & alive. this is a true story, and the student was none other than........ . APJ Abdul Kalam , the former president of India .
A little boy wanted Rs.500 very badly and prayed for weeks, But nothing happened. Finally he decided to write a letter to GOD requesting the Rs.500 . When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to " God , India ", they decided to forward it to the Finance Minister of India as a joke. The Finance Minister was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs.200. The Finance Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy, and he did not want to spoil the kid. The little boy was delighted with Rs.200, and decided to write a thanking reply note to God, which reads: "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the Finance Ministry in New Delhi , and those donkeys deducted Rs.300 as tax !" [/
Can I see my baby? the happy new mother asked .When the bundle was nestled in her arms and she moved the fold of cloth to look upon his tiny face ,she gasped. The doctor turned quickly and looked out the tall hospital window. The baby had been born without ears .Time proved that the baby’s hearing was perfect. It was only his appearance that was marred.
When he rushed home from school one day and flung himself into his mother’s arms, she sighed, knowing that his life was to be a succession of heartbreaks.
He blurted out the tragedy -A boy, a big boy ….called me a freak. He grew up ,handsome for his misfortune. A favorite with his fellow students, he might have been class president ,but for that. He developed a gift, a talent for the literature and music. His mother felt a kindness in her heart.
The boy's father had a session with family physician .Could nothing be done? I believe I could graft a pair of outer ears , if they could be procured, the doctor decided .So the search began for a person who would make such a sacrifice for a young man. Two years went by. Then “ you are going to the hospital ,son. .. Mother and I have someone who will donate the ears you need. But “it’s a secret ”said the father.
The operation was a brilliant success ,and a new person emerged .His talents blossomed into a genius, and school and college became a series of triumphs. .Later he married and entered the diplomatic service. ”.But I must know! ”He urged his father.
“Who gave so much for me? I could never do enough for him” I do not believe you could, said the father, but the agreement was that you are not to know….not yet. The years kept their profound secret, but the day did come…..one of the darkest days that ever pass through a son .He stood with his father over his mother’s casket. Slowly , tenderly , the father stretched forth a hand and raised the thick ,reddish- brown hair to reveal that the mother had no outer ears.
Mother said she was glad she never let her hair be cut, he whispered gently and nobody ever thought mother less beautiful, did they ?
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.
************
*Sick Days*
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
************
*Personal Days*
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
************
*Lunch Break*
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.
************
*Mails*
Don't read junk and forwarded mails.
************
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
All questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 -year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.
When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 -year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.
When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
Thought 1 # When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?-------------------------------------------------------
# Thought 2 #
The average man's life consists of Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going, Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too.--------------------------------------------------------
# Thought 3 #
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."=20 The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.The man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"--------------------------------------------------------
# Thought 4 #
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raises his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me." The whole audience including priest started laughing but not the poor groom.. _______________________________________
1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.
2. There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going thru hell.
3. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : " Wife wanted". Nextday, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing : "You can have mine."
4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
5. It's easy to tell if a man is married or not.. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel,you can be sure he is married.
6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours." 7. "What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days." "But that ought to make you happy.""It did, but today is the last day."
