Words!!! you need them from me? Better the words be few. Better the heart be so wide and deep. Better try seeing eachother. Be the mirror to eachother.
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
''You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
A woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer whose zipper is undone. The woman kindly says" excuse me sir,but your barracks doors are open".
Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping.
At the checkout he ran into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper. He decides to play into her unusual comment; "excuse me maam, when you noticed my barracks door was open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?" . . . . . The woman responded by saying " no, all i saw was a disabled vet sitting on two duffle bags"
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTI-TUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a Widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another as the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, " Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of ' careful consideration' , she answered "Yes. Yes, I will. "
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to Their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just Could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to The telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I Meant it with all my heart. " Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ''Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive.'' The doctor smiled and said, ''Have you tried to give him Viagra?''
The lady frowned. ''Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,'' she claimed.
''Well,'' the doctor continued, ''Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing.''
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
She shook her head. ''How did it go?'' the doctor asked.
''Terrible, doctor, terrible.''
''Did it not work?''
''Yes,'' the old lady said, ''It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years.''
''Then what is the problem, ma'am?''
''Well,'' she said. ''I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again.''
