Words!!! you need them from me? Better the words be few. Better the heart be so wide and deep. Better try seeing eachother. Be the mirror to eachother.
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for gener! ations. "
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor sai d confidently. "It's rust."
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service. Just call me over the next time you try a health drink.
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you ... you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!'
'Ah, that's nothin',' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'
'Actually,' said the 80-year-old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'
'Do you have trouble peeing too?' asked the 60-year-old. 'No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all.'
'Do you have trouble crapping?'
'No, I crap every morning at 6:30.'
'With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, 'Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?'
At training program for top management,a well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife !"
The crowd was shocked!
He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.
He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
Naturally,his wife was shell shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was !"
As expected, he got thrashing of his life time....
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet , not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says , "Dark in here." The man says , "Yes , it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No , thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK , how much?" Boy - "$150"Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks , it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes , it is." Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy , "How much?" Boy - "$350" Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves , let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks , "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says , "$500"
The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... That is way more than those two things cost.I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says , "Dark in here." The priest says , "Don't start that shit again , you're in my closet now.
The Italiano tourist wrote a complaint letter to the Manager of a hotel in London. The letter read as follows :
Dear Signor Diretorre,
Now I am tella you the story how I was treated at your hotella. I am comma from Palermo as tourist to London and stay as a young man at your hotella.
When I comma in my room I see no shit in my bed. How can I sleep with no shit in my bed? I calla down the Receptione and tell: " I wanna shit".They tella me " Go to the toillett ". I said " No, no. I wanna Shit in my bed ".
They said " You betta not shit in your bed, you sonnawabitch". What is sonnawabitch?!
I go down to ristorante for breakfast. I order bacon and eggs and Two pisses of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress and point to toast " I wanna piss ". She tella me " Go to the toillett ". I say " No, no. I wanna piss on my plate ". She then say to me " You bloody fella better not piss on the plate,you sonnawabitch ". Second person who do not even know me and call me sonnawabitch! What is sonnawabitch?
Later I go dinner into restorante. Spoon and knife is laid but no fock. I tella waitress " I wanna fock ", and she tella me " Sure everybody wanna fock". I tell her " No, No. You don't understand me. I wanna fock on the table".She then tell me " So you sonnawabitch, wanna fock on the table? Get your ass outa here! "
So I go to the receptione and ask for bills. I no wanna stay in your hotel no more.
When I have pay the bills,The porter say to me " Thank you and piss to be with you ". I say " Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch ". I go back to Italy! I never more comma stay in your hotella, You sonnawabitch !
ABS:- Jan 01-09, April 01-03, June 15-20, July 10-15, Sept 28-30, Dec 01-16.
SLUG:- Jan 10-24, March 16-23, April 15-26, May 01-13, June 01-03, July 01-09, Aug 16-25.
Cockroach:- Jan 25-31, March 13-15, May 22-31, Nov 01-16.
Parasite :- Feb 01-15, March 24-31, June 25-30, July 27-31, Sept 15-27, Nov 17-30.
Skunk:- Feb 15-21, April 27-30, June 04-14, Aug 26-31, Oct 16-27.
Bullfrog :- Feb 06-14, May 14-21, July 16-26, Sep 01-14, Dec 26-31.
Snake :- Feb 22-28, April 04-14, Oct 28-31
Ape :- March 01-21, June 21-24, Aug 01-15, Oct 01-15, Dec 01-16.
If you are an Abs : A very loyal and sweet person. Your loyalty can never be doubted. You are quite honest and sincere when it comes to your attitude towards working. You are a very simple person, indeed. Absolutely hassle free, humble and down-to-earth!! That explains the reason why your friends cling on to you! You have a good taste for clothes. If your wardrobe is not updated with what is trendy, you sure are depressed. Popular and easy-going. You have a little group of dignified friends, all of them being quality-personified.
I f you are a Slug: Always up to some sort of a mischief! The mischievous gleam in your eyes is what makes you so cute and attractive to everyone. You are an extremely fun-to-be-with kind of person. No wonder people seek for your company and look forward to include you for all get-together's. However, you are sensitive which is a drawback. People need to select their words while talking to you. If someone tries to fiddle around and play with words while dealing with you, it is enough to invite your wrath. God bless the person then!
If you are a Cockroach : Quite contradictory to your name, you are a peace loving person. You best try to avoid a situation wherein you are required to fight. An outdoor person, you dislike sitting at one place for a lo! ng dura tion. You are a born leader, and have it in you how to tactfully derive work from people. You love being loved, and when you receive your share of limelight from someone, you are all theirs!!!! Well, well... Hence some people could even take an advantage, flatter you to the maximum and get their work done. So be careful.....
If you are a Parasite : An extremely lovable, adorable person, sometimes shy, with a passion for quick wit. At times, you prefer quietness. You love exploring various things and going into depth of each thing. Under normal circumstances you're cool but when given a reason to, you are like a volcano waiting to erupt. You're a fashion bird. People look forward to you as an icon associated with fashion. Basically, you mingle along freely but don't like talking much to strangers. People feel very easy in your ! c ompany. You observe care in choosing your friends.
If you are a Skunk: You are near to perfect and nice at heart. The examples of your kindness are always circulated in groups of people. You, too, love peace. You wouldn't like to retaliate even to a person who is in the wrong. You are loved due to this. You do not wish to talk behind one's back. People love the way you always treat them. You can give, give and give love, and the best part is that you do not expect it back in return. You are generous enough. Seeing things in a practical light is what remains the best trait of you guys.
If you are a Bullfrog : You sym! bolize a very happy-go-lucky approach in life. Whatever the surroundings may be, grim or cheerful, you remain unaffected. In fact, you spread cheer wherever you go. You are the leader of your group of friends and good at consoling people in their times of need. You dislike hypocrisy and tend to shirk away from hypocrites. They can never be in your good books, no matter what. You are very methodical and organized in your work. No amount of mess, hence, can ever encompass you. Beware, it is easy for you to fall in love....
If you are a Snake : You are mysterious. You are someone who can handle pressure with ease, and can handle any atmosphere without going berserk. You can be mean at times, and love to gossip with your selected group. Very prim and proper. You li! ke all situations and things to be in the way you desire, which, sometimes is not possible. As a result, you may lose out in some relationships. But otherwise, you love to help people out from difficult and tight spots when they really need you.
If you are an Ape : Very impatient and hyper!!! You want things to be done as quick as possible. At heart, you are quite simple and love if you are the center of attraction. That way, you people are unique. You would like to keep yourself safe from all the angles.. Shall your name be dragged or featured in any sort of a controversy, you then go all panicky. Therefore, you take your precautions from the very beginning. When you foresee anything wrong, your sixth sense is what saves you from falling in traps. Quite a money minded bunch of you people are!!!
A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home . I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together . Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?
Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Randy t aught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter, Rosie.
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!
