By now most of you know that Barack Obama will be our next President!! A new day has dawned in the USA and the sun has never shown so brightly before!
This election has a huge historical meaning for us here in the USA and I believe in the world. I for one could not be happier about the outcome of this election and the renewal of hope in my lifetime.
Congratulations to Barack Obama!! Congratulations to the USA!!
I have gotten stronger. I am much stronger than I was a month and a half ago when I wrote my blog about "A Lovers Silence". I have found my self-worth again. Never again will I allow myself to be involved with someone who uses me as their option while I hold them as my priority. And it has become very clear to me that the only people that I need in my life are those who need me in theirs.
Why do I say all this? Because I finally heard from "him". What I heard from him was shocking to me. He was reprimanding me!! YES...he was actually talking to me like a child who needed to be reminded of their place!! He actually thought that after all this time of silence, after all of the pain he caused me that I would want to give our relationship another "try"!! A "try"!! Imagine that! Not, lets discuss this and resolve the issue but, if you can agree to allowing me to treat you like a piece of shit, we can try this again!!
Here is what he had to say:
I read your messages. thanks for still loveing me. you can love me as much as you want i have no objection to it. I know Love is unconditional but i must remind you that I want a woman who would not mind me being married and won't object me performing my duties and responsibilities as a husband. I have other friends and i need to give them some time too. ( i mean chating on IM) one can not expect all of my time all the time, and if i talk to others don't mean i am avoiding others. And finally i do not want to have relations with someone who may cause problems in my marriage ( knowingly or unknowingly) I think we have clear understanding of all this . I know this is not the best way to put it but i thought it was necessary. And if you agree to all this we can give it a try. Think about it and let me know .i am working night shift so u may not hear from me till Friday. Wish u well.
That is what he writes to me after over a month of silence from him. Nothing said about mutual respect. Nothing said about his supposed love for me. Nothing about the concerns I had. So here is what I wrote back to him.(I have replace his name with stars to protect his identity):
"I went into shock when I read this. Don't believe everything you think. I am stronger than I was yesterday. Its taken me a while to decide if I was even going to reply to you. I had read through all of our yahoo talks since the very beginning. Here is a saying I found:
"I've made mistakes in my life. I've let people take advantage of me, and I accepted way less than I deserve. But I have learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time and I won't settle for anything less than I deserve."
Really now V***, how DARE you even insinuate that I would cause trouble in your marriage. If I had wanted to I could have called your home or cell phone. I could have driven to your house!! And you had better back up that accusation truck. I have NEVER had a problem with you 'performing' your duties and responsibilities as a husband. NEVER!! You are CHOOSING to not understand what I was upset about. And that cuts me so deep because I was always so proud of the man you are as a husband and father. I respected you deeply.You point the finger and refuse to understand. You know arrogance and ignorance go hand in hand.
As for expecting all of your time all of the time... WHERE IN THE WORLD did this come from? You were the one that always wanted me to be here on yim to talk on the mornings and afternoons that you could...YOU were the one that would say to ME... please try to be here. YOU would tell me this was time you had for me. Somewhere you have talked to someone else who has had these problems or you have had them with someone else.
You know what V***? The only people I need in my life are those who need me in theirs. I found my self-respect again and I will NEVER again treat anyone as a priority who only has me as their option.
Marilyn Monroe said, "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best!!" How very fitting.
She also said, "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself and sometimes good things fall apart so the better things can fall together."
I don't know you any more V***. I would have expected a discussion not false accusations. Not from you. I understood fully what our relationship could and could not be. I never even asked for nor demanded more from you. I am totally dumbfounded right now.
But you were right about one thing, it was necessary for you to put things that way. By doing so, you destroyed any last remains of love I had held for you in my heart. I didn't think that was even possible. And after everything you have put me through whether directly or indirectly with your silence, I can no longer believe you ever truly loved me. So yes, it was VERY necessary.
This saying has profound meaning for me:
There are moments in your life that make you and sets the course of who you're going to be. Sometimes they're little, subtle moments. Sometimes, they're big moments you never saw coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. Its what you do after wards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.
V****, don't believe everything you think. I AM stronger than I was yesterday. Strong enough to hold my head up high and refuse to be controlled by any man. Strong enough to not allow someone to play mind games with me. Strong enough to say the only people I need in my life are those that need me in theirs. I don't know this V***.
Its not necessary to respond. I won't be sitting at my computer waiting to hear from you tomorrow, on that you can count."
You may have noticed that not once did he say anything about loving me in his email nor did he ever use my name. He had been reading a lot of erotica and talking about the sub/dom type stuff. I think he thought he could use that type of attitude on me. That I am so "needy" that I would allow him to use me and abuse me for the opportunity to love him!! It hurts, it hurts a lot but not enough to break me again. Never again.
Hello darkness, my old friend; I've come to talk with you again. Because a vision softly creeping Left its seeds while I was sleeping, And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains within the sound of silence.
In restless dreams I walked alone, Narrow streets of cobblestone. 'Neath the halo of a street lamp, I turned my collar to the cold and damp When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light That split the night, and touched the sound of silence.
And in the naked light I saw Ten thousand people, maybe more. People talking without speaking, People hearing without listening, People writing songs that voices never shared. And no one dared disturb the sound of silence.
"Fools," said I, "You do not know Silence like a cancer grows. Hear my words that I might teach you, Take my arms that I might lead you." But my words like silent raindrops fell, And echoed in the wells of silence.
And the people bowed and prayed To the neon god they made. And the sign flashed out its warning, In the words that it was forming. And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls And tenement halls, and whispered in the sounds of silence."
They said it well...silence like a cancer grows. And just as cancer in many cases claims the life of its victim, so does silence destroy and suck the life out of a relationship or even out of the victim themself.
I really should have known better. Falling in love with a married man has too many risks and consequences. But the fact remains that I did. One of those "risks & consequences" is in the realization that you are not truly a part of the married partners life outside of the liasons(or dates) and im or phone conversations that take place only when the family is not around. (Before anyone out there decides to be judgemental please understand that this is MY CHOICE...I am also still legally married and not looking for a husband.)
Why does this matter?? And what in the world could it possibly have to do with silence you ask?? My lover and I were chatting one day on the yim and he was telling me that I was lucky to have caught him because he was going to take a day trip to D.C. with a co-worker but the plans had fallen through. He then went on to let me know his work schedule and that he would be taking this trip on his next days off, then he would be working again then another trip to Ohio. The whole time he was informing me, I was already stuck on the first information about the "would be" trip that fell through for that day. It was like a slap in the face. I was realizing what a very long time it would have been and still would be before he and I could even just chat again. And had the trip NOT been postponed, I would not have had even one clue as to why I was not hearing from him!! My mind was working in over drive at this point and the thought that I would never know if something happened to him ... I am not really a part of his life and that I can not expect anything more or different was washing through my mind over and over again.
I became very upset...I couldn't stop it. And I felt that I couldn't talk to him about it. So I would not answer his phone calls that day to meet him for a brief time. I thought that I would somehow endure the many days to come that he would not be around and anxiously await word from him when he was "back" and available.
The day arrived...and ended with no word from him. Then again the next day came and went...and the next...etc...etc...etc. It only took me the first day to realize that something was wrong. But he had always talked things out with me in the past. He even told me that he would never end the relationship as he wanted it to last a very long time so I would have to be the one to end it, if I chose to do so. He said he loved me...needless to say, I love him. Each day I would see he was either logged in here at IFF or had been here. He never showed up in yim...I am sure he was there only invisible to me. I saw he had looked at my profile. Why???? I will never know.
After the 3rd day with no contact from him I became very depressed and despondent. As I went about my days, he would pop into my mind and I would crumble into a bawling mess. I would cry myself to sleep. But I would awake each day with hope...hoping he would make contact with me somehow. Why didn't I contact him? I finally did... with an email. I didn't hear back from him. The silence from him was destroying me. I sent a more harsh email a day later wondering if the silence was the end. To this I had a reply...but nothing I had expected. Although he said the relationship was not over...he said the silence was to understand the relationship. Something in me died when I read that. I have no understanding in silence. He was on IFF at this time and I sent him another email. No word. And the pattern is repeating itself.
Its too late now. The silence claimed its victim(s). There is NO understanding in silence. I think he was just trying to be "kinder" at that point. Silence should NEVER be the answer to any situation. NEVER. Silence destroys...kills and the lost time can never be reclaimed. It is for certain no way to deal with a relationship issue. But he has his desire...he has silenced me.
Lately it seems that I have had too much time on my hands to think and reflect on my past, I guess being on bed rest and still healing from my surgery is at fault! lol One day I was thinking about old friends that I have lost touch with over the past few years and that is what brought me back to IFF. I was here about 4 years ago and made some wonderful friends. I had the pleasure of meeting several of them in person.
I learned a lot from my friends about how they view life, love and their futures. Many of them shared some really good times and there was one who also was there in the bad times. Most of us here know what it means to have a "broken heart" and how only time can heal. I was asking my dear friend...why, why does it have to hurt so bad? This is what she said to me:
The Love that we can not have is the Love that grows the deepest, will last the longest and hurt the worst.
It doesn't seem to make sense but holds very true. Well, at least for me it does and is the reason that I began reflecting on this statement today. I have a love that will always be in my heart for someone, I've learned to accept that I will love him forever.
Now I am wondering, why does it have to hurt so bad for so long...
I have no answer to that. But I would not trade the hurt that I feel for never having experienced loving someone as I loved him, and he I...and maybe one day we will be together again.
Ok, one thing I have noticed, indian women are way patient and kind to people, even those who are CONSTANTLY whining about something or the other!! I don't know how you ladies do it!! I get so very frustrated with the whiners especially in the chat room!! And indeed primarily those who whine about the same thing day after day after day after day.... Am I the only one???
Well I decided to post this song as a lesson to the "whiners" of the world...one day maybe they will learn its NOT all about them....
Never Too Late
This world will never be what I expected, And if I don't belong who would have guessed it? I will not leave alone everything that I own, To make you feel like it's not too late. It's never too late.
Even if I say, "It'll be alright," Still I hear you say you want to end your life. Now and again we try to just stay alive. Maybe we'll turn it all around 'cause it's not too late. It's never too late.
No one will ever see this side reflected, And if there's something wrong who would have guessed it? And I have left alone everything that I own, To make you feel like it's not too late. It's never too late.
Even if I say, "It'll be alright," Still I hear you say you want to end your life. Now and again we try to just stay alive. Maybe we'll turn it all around 'cause it's not too late. It's never too late.
The world we knew won't come back. The time we've lost can't get back. The life we had won't be ours again.
This world will never be what I expected. And if I don't belong...
Even if I say, "It'll be alright," Still I hear you say you want to end your life. Now and again we try to just stay alive. Maybe we'll turn it all around 'cause it's not too late. It's never too late.
Maybe we'll turn it all around 'cause it's not too late. It's never too late. (It's never too late.) It's not too late. It's never too late.
Jun 7, 2008 7:58 am Mood: enthusiastic, 1137 Views
Well hello great big blog world!! It has taken me a while to make up my mind to start my own blog but... as you see I finally did! lol
A little bit about me: I am on IFF for several reasons but mainly to make new friends, both male and female. I don't discriminate! I do have an attraction to indian men, the darker the better. My interaction with several darling indian men is the reason I began to learn about India as a country, the cultures and people of India.
Even with knowing alot about the culture, I may still post some "shocking" or untoward blogs. You all have a choice...to read or NOT to read. I will warn if it is something that may be offensive to some. My hope is that some things I blog about might help some.
My lover and I were chatting one day on the yim and he was telling me that I was lucky to have caught him because he was going to take a day trip to D.C. with a co-worker but the plans had fallen through. He then went on to let me know his work schedule and that he would be taking this trip on his next days off, then he would be working again then another trip to Ohio. The whole time he was informing me, I was already stuck on the first information about the "would be" trip that fell through for that day. It was like a slap in the face. I was realizing what a very long time it would have been and still would be before he and I could even just chat again. And had the trip NOT been postponed, I would not have had even one clue as to why I was not hearing from him!! My mind was working in over drive at this point and the thought that I would never know if something happened to him ... I am not really a part of his life and that I can not expect anything more or different was washing through my mind over and over again. 
I don't know how you ladies do it!! I get so very frustrated with the whiners especially in the chat room!! And indeed primarily those who whine about the same thing day after day after day after day.... 
Am I the only one??? 
lol 
