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HOW TO IDENTIFY DIFFERENT CITIZENS OF INDIA:
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Nov 20, 2009 2:22 am
22 Views
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When folks here ask me which part of India i am from..it bugs me no end...but now i think its easier to identify...
Heres how:
Scenario 1
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on.
That's MUMBAI
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Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on
their mobiles. Now 50 guys are fighting.
You are definitely in PUNJAB !!!
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Scenario 3
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along and tries to make peace.
The first two get together and beat him up.
That's DELHI
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Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch.
A guy comes along and quietly opens a Chai-stall.
That's AHMEDABAD
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Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes.
He writes a software program to stop the fight.
But the fight doesn't stop because of a virus in the program.
That's BANGALORE
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Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch.
A guy comes along and quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't like all this nonsense..
Peace settles in...
That's CHENNAI
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Scenario 7
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth
and they start arguing about who's right.
You are in KOLKATA
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Scenario 8
Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes from nearby house and says,
"don't fight in front of my place, go zumwhere else and keep fighting".
That's KERALA !
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And the best one is ....
Scenario 9
Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes along with a carton of beer.
All sit together drinking beer and abusing each other and all go home as friends.
You are in GOA !!!..
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Printer's Devil or Editor's Blooper???
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Nov 20, 2009 2:15 am
29 Views
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This is what happens with written communication...!!!
These four classified ads appeared in a local newspaper on four consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY:
"For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap."
TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah's ad yesterday. It should have read,
"One sewing machine for sale cheap. ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."
WEDNESDAY:
Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows:
"For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap. after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who loves with him."
THURSDAY:
Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit.
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Perils of Online chatting....... :))
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Nov 20, 2009 2:03 am
53 Views
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A Guy was chatting with a female (never met her directly) - Online chat.
(Background, both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's )
Hero: Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?
Female: Very GM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat
Hero: wow...am honored, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat
Female: Yep...me too feel the same....Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee.
Hero: OK(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)
Manager: Hey, I need some help from you
Hero: [ This guy always comes at the wrong time] Yeah tell me.
Manager: Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?
Hero: I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.
Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]
(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)
Female: Hey, am back
Hero: cool, you know what my manager does, She's kinda..... keeps asking stupid Things, tries to give me stupid work
Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!
Hero: Yep, u rite!!
Female: Hey, can u do me a favor
Hero:  sure, why not.
Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number; given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz... You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out.
Hero: hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now. ok?
Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM!! AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW!!
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11
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Californians
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Nov 14, 2009 7:22 am
50 Views
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So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from California if:
Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
You can't remember... Is pot illegal?
You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
You can't remember... is pot illegal?
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the USA.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
You can't remember... is pot illegal?
It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH." (I love this one!!)
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
The Terminator is your governor.
If you drive illegally, they take away your driver's license. If you're in the USA illegally, they want to give you a driver's license.
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Texas Tales
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Nov 14, 2009 7:21 am
54 Views
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A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Do you ever get tornadoes out here?" The cowboy replied, "Yeah, we had one a while back, but it ran into a sandstorm outside of town and got ripped to pieces."
A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Doesn't it ever rain out here?" The cowboy replied, "Sure. There was a half-inch of rain a couple of weeks ago just a few miles north of here, but I was too busy and couldn't go."
The wind blows so hard out in West Texas that at a drive-in theater it once blew Gene Autry right out of the saddle."
A little brown hen once got caught in a West Texas sandstorm. She was flying through the air backward so fast that she laid the same egg three times.
It was so windy that prairie dogs were digging holes 40 feet in the air.
It was so dry that the Baptists were sprinkling, the Methodists were spitting, and the Catholics were giving rain checks.
It was so hot that I saw a roadrunner pull a worm out of the ground using pot holders.
It was so cold that a farmer threw a dipperful of water and it froze in midair and knocked a pup unconscious.
A visitor to Amarillo asked a local rancher, "How do you stand the wind blowing every single day?" The rancher said, "You just have to get used to it - learn to lean into it. In fact, one day last fall the wind stopped blowing all of a sudden, and all the chickens in the panhandle plumb fell over."
During a period of heavy sandstorms, a rancher visited his banker and applied for a loan. The banker warned him, "I'll have to come out and inspect the property first." The rancher replied, "That won't be necessary. Here it comes now."
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Kitchen Signs ...!!!!
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Nov 11, 2009 7:38 am
108 Views
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Martha Stewart doesn't live here!
Kitchen closed -- this chick has had it!
I'm creative -- don't expect me to be neat too!
So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
Ring Bell for Maid Service... If no answer do it yourself!
I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking... lower your standards.
You may touch the dust in this house... but please don't write in it!
Apology: Although you'll find our house a mess... Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this -- Some days it's even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean -- eat out.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines.
Gardening forever . . . Housework, never!
Dull women have immaculate houses.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
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9
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Exercise For Seniors
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Nov 11, 2009 7:34 am
93 Views
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Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.
Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks; but be careful...
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5
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Questions and Answers From SAT Tests...!!!!!
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Nov 8, 2009 7:55 am
87 Views
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Just think, one of these students may be the President someday.
Bush was.....
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
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Life's Little Instruction Book...
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Nov 5, 2009 7:53 am
138 Views
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Have a firm handshake.
Look people in the eye.
Sing in the shower.
Own a great stereo system.
Keep secrets.
Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.
Always accept an outstretched hand.
Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the
difference.
Whistle.
Avoid sarcastic remarks.
Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 per cent of all your happiness or misery.
Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.
Lend only those books you never care to see again.
Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.
When playing games with children, let them win.
Give people a second chance, but not a
third.
Be romantic.
Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.
Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for your convenience, not the caller's.
Be a good loser.
Be a good winner.
Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.
When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.
Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.
Keep it simple.
Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.
Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.
Live your life so that your epitaph could read, 'No Regrets.'
Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did.
Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.
Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.
Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few minutes.
Begin each day with some of your favorite music.
Once in a while, take the scenic route.
Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're terrific.'
Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.
Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 a.m.
Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job is.
Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.
Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.
Become someone's hero.
Marry only for love.
Count your blessings.
Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.
Wave at the children on a school bus.
Remember that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on your ability to deal with people.
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5
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How Do u Breathe Alone..???
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Oct 12, 2009 8:54 am
Mood: depressed,
346 Views
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When I first met you, I was afraid
Afraid of what I was feeling
I felt love like I had never known
I didn't just feel you in my heart,
I felt you in my soul.
I had no idea I could feel so much
My life was complicated
I was afraid you wouldn't want to be in my life
I was afraid I couldn't be all that you wanted me to be
Slowly you made me believe I was all that you needed and wanted
That you wanted to be in my life
And when I truly trusted you and let you in
I felt an intense feeling of contentment
A feeling of happiness like I have never known
I felt alive again.
Even though we were a long way from working things out
The feeling in my heart and soul
Was something I have never known
Never did I dream you would leave like you did
I never dreamed that the one who gave me such feelings
Feelings I had never felt before
Would take them away...
Take them away without a moments hesitation.
I never dreamed the one I trusted and loved with my heart and soul
Would hurt me in the way he knew would hurt me most
Now I am left questioning everything
Everything he ever said
Was our love ever real..??
Was he ever my soulmate..?
How do you go on
When the one you love so completely leaves...
When your soulmate leaves
When every breath was him
How do you breathe alone..???
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To link to this blog (kira_t) use [blog kira_t] in your messages.
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