An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand hat 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published.
Room Service (RS) : "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."
Guest (G) : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS : "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G : "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS : "Ow July den?"
G : "What??"
RS : "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS : "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G : "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G : "What?"
RS : "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G : "I don't think so."
RS : "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G : "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS : "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G : "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS : "We bodder?"
G : "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS : "Wad! ?"
G : "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS : "Copy?"
G : "Excuse me?"
RS : "Copy...tea...meel?"
G : "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS : "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy.... rye??"
A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live"
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?
Guys drink to forget about the girl... Girls drink to think back about the guy...
When guys are in love, they become poor. When girls are in love, they become pretty...
Guys can forget, but cannot forgive... Girls can forgive, but cannot forget..
Guys care the most about the quantity of love... Girls care the most about the quality of love..
Guys break-up when they feel love from another girl... Girls break-up when they feel the feeling of separation from her man...
Guys feel curiosity towards all girls... Girls feel curiosity towards guys who are interested in her..
When guys are heartbroken, they try to forget about the girl by going out with another girl... When girls are heartbroken, they try to find his characteristics from another guy...
Guys wish to be her first love.... Girls wish to be his last love...
