Facelift Oct 7, 2009 6:13 pm 110 Views A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing, the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you." 1 comment

Hell & the Indians Oct 6, 2009 7:39 pm 110 Views Two Indians, Ram & shayam die at the same time and find themselves in Hell. The Devil pays them a visit to see how they're getting on and finds them in shorts and t-shirts, enjoying a BBQ.... "Is this place not hot enough for you?" asks the Devil. Ram says "Oh mate ... we're from India...we love the heat. It's just like a summer's day." Feeling angry, the Devil decides he'll fix these two and turns the heat up to maximum. Everywhere in Hell, people are wailing and moaning from the heat and satisfied with the result, the Devil decides to check back in on the two Indians. He's furious to find Ram & shayam flipping the snags on the barbie, knocking back a couple of stubbies in their thongs and singlets, laughing and chatting. "How can you guys be comfortable in this heat?" screams the Devil. Everyone else in Hell is absolutely miserable, but you two are actually enjoying it!" "Awww come on mate...says Shayam. I spent last summer in Delhi. It's actually nice to have some dry heat for a change" The Devil storms off, scheming how to fix these two. After thinking about it for a while he hits on an idea. If the two Indians love the heat so much, he's gonna turn it all off, which he does. After a night without heat, Hell is 40 below. Icicles are hanging off the roof and if the residents were unhappy about the heat, they are now bitterly miserable from the cold. The next morning the Devil checks back in on the two Indians. He finds them jumping for joy, laughing and carrying on like they're having the time of their lives. The Devil is beside himself with rage and screams "WHAT IS GOING ON? How can you two be happy about this?" Ram says...Mate, don't you know? Hell's frozen over!...Chinese cant come! 0 Comments

WE ARE HONORABLE MEN Oct 6, 2009 7:30 pm 99 Views "One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ." The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONORABLE MEN!" 0 Comments

Generation Y Oct 1, 2009 11:28 am 181 Views A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 1. Don’t change horses ……. until they stop running. 2. Strike while the ……........ bug is close. 3. It’s always darkest before …… Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of ………… termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but …….. how? 6. Don’t bite the hand that …………….. looks dirty. 7. No news is …………………………… impossible. 8. A miss is as good as a ………… Mr. 9. You can’t teach an old dog new …………… math. 10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll ………….. stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust ………… me. 12. The pen is mightier than the ……………… pigs. 13. An idle mind is ………… the best way to relax. 14. Where there’s smoke there’s …………… pollution. 15. Happy the bride who ……… gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is ………………. not much. 17. Two’s company, three’s ………… the Musketeers. 18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what ……… you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ……… you have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as …………Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not …………… spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don’t succeed ……… get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you ……. see in the picture on the box. 24. When the blind lead the blind …. get out of the way. And the WINNER and the last one… 25. Better late than ………… pregnant! 0 Comments

'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY Oct 1, 2009 11:18 am 185 Views ON JULY 20, 1969 , AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, 'THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,' WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS. BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK,'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY.' MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS. OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY'... STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED. ON JULY 5, 1995 , IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED; SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION. IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY. 'SEX! YOU WANT SEX? YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!' 1 comment

God's Wife Oct 1, 2009 10:58 am 173 Views An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, Some years ago: A little boy, About 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the Roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering With cold. A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!' 'I was asking God to give me a pair of Shoes,'was the boy's reply. The lady took him by the hand, went into The store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks For the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water And a towel. He quickly brought them to her.. She took the little fellow to the back Part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed His little feet, and dried them with the towel. By this time, the clerk had returned with The socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him A pair of shoes.. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks And gave them to him.... She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.' As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her. 'Are you God's wife?' 1 comment

9 months later!!! Oct 1, 2009 10:50 am 171 Views Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do..' Said Bob. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and ..what should I say...er, pay her a visit?' 'Well, umm, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm real sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' 'Well she just died yesterday and left me everything she had.' 1 comment

WHY ARE INDIANS EASY TO IDENTIFY Sep 30, 2009 11:07 am 153 Views We are like this only so true, so very true............. 1. Everything you eat is savored in garlic, onion and tomatoes. 2.. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil. 3... You are always standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport. 4. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think it's normal. 5. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to stamp. 6. You recycle Wedding Gifts, Birthday Gifts and Anniversary Gifts. 7. You name your children in rhythms (example, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam, Kamini & Shamini..) 8. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere, close to their real names. 9. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says 'No Food Allowed.' 10. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house. 11. You load up the family car with as many people as possible. 12. HIGH PRIORITY ***** You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch. ***** 13. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think, but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other 'Uncles and Aunties' will think. 14. You buy and display crockery, which is never used, as it is for special occasions, which never happen. 15. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table. 16.. You use grocery bags to hold garbage. 17. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible. 18. Your kitchen shelf is full of jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with purchase of other stuff) 19. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes)... 20. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker. 21. You fight over who pays the dinner bill. 22. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old. (And they prefer it that way). 23. You don't use measuring cups when cooking. 24. You never learnt how to stand in a queue. 25. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are traveling by bus, train or plane. 26. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of light. 27. You only make long distance calls after 11p.m. 28. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight. 29. You call an older person you never met before Uncle or Aunty. 30. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin. 31. Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls. 32. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them from getting dirty. 33. Its embarrassing if you're wedding has less than 600 people. 34. All your Tupperware is stained with food color. 35. You have drinking glasses made of steel. 36. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping. I STILL LOVE TO BE AN INDIAN 0 Comments

Frank Feldman Sep 29, 2009 7:37 pm 176 Views A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.' Passenger: 'Who?' Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.' Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.' Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.' Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special. Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right' Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.' Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid Traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.' Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?' Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his widow.' 0 Comments

Would you venture to answer any of these questions? Sep 29, 2009 7:29 pm 184 Views Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? What is the speed of darkness? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours? Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics? If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Did you ever stop and wonder...... Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?' Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.' Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs ! If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Stop singing and read on....... Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? 0 Comments

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