And They Ask Why I Like Retirement !!! Oct 7, 2008 7:10 am 329 Views Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS! Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls you r parents. Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. And, my very favorite.... QUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest. SERENITY Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it? Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' I've sure gotten oldie had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'WalMart-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week' My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.' THE SENIORS PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing 0 Comments

THE WOMEN Oct 7, 2008 7:01 am 326 Views Believe it or not. Woman has Man in it; Mrs. has Mr . in it; Female has Male in it; She has He in it; Madam has Adam in it; No wonder men always want to be inside women! Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman.... Why? BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before: Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN? MEN tal illness MEN strual cramps MEN tal breakdown MEN opause GUY necologist AND .. When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy. 0 Comments

A Mother Love Oct 7, 2008 6:33 am 323 Views A little boy came up to his mother in the kitchen one evening while she was fixing supper, and handed her a piece of paper that he had been writing on. After his Mom dried her hands on an apron, she read it, and this is what it said: For cutting the grass: $5.00 For cleaning up my room this week: $1.00 For going to the store for you: $.50 Baby-sitting my kid brother while you went shopping: $.25 Taking out the garbage: $1.00 For getting a good report card: $5.00 For cleaning up and raking the yard: $2.00 Total owed: $14.75 Well, his mother looked at him standing there, and the boy could see the memories flashing through her mind. She picked up the pen, turned over the paper he'd written on, and this is what she wrote: For the nine months I carried you while you were growing inside me: No Charge. For all the nights that I've sat up with you, doctored and prayed for you: No Charge. For all the trying times, and all the tears that you've caused through the years: No Charge. For all the nights that were filled with dread, and for the worries I knew were ahead: No Charge. For the toys, food, clothes, and even wiping your nose: No Charge. Son, when you add it up, the cost of my love is: No Charge. When the boy finished reading what his mother had written, there were big tears in his eyes, and he looked straight at his mother and said, "Mom, I sure do love you." And then he took the pen and in great big letters he wrote: "PAID IN FULL". Lessons: - You will never how much your parents worth till you become a parent - Be a giver not an asker, especially with your parents. there is a lot to give, besides money. Advice: IF your mom is alive and close to you, give her a big kiss and ask her for forgiveness. If she is far away, call her. if she passed away, pray for her. 0 Comments

Live today like it's like your last day Oct 6, 2008 4:23 am 347 Views Think of death every day. Yes, you heard right. Think of death everyday. That is the only way you will value what you have today. You will treasure the little moments that pass you by without taking it for granted. Death is not a negative reality. See it as a positive one. We all have limited time left. Everyday, we get closer to the grave. This grim reality should actually be driving us to live a fuller life, a happier life. Every moment that goes by is lost. Forever. Suppose you were told that you have just ten minutes to live. What images will come to your mind? Will bitterness, anger, and jealousy dominate the next ten minutes? Will you think about absolutely useless arguments you had with a relative? Will you remember all the stupid inanities that you went through? No one would if they had only ten more minutes to live. In those ten minutes you will allow the best images to go past. You will not think of the material goods you have collected, nor the bank balance you have. You will not waste time thinking of those who hurt you, or were unfair. Instead, you will see images of the best moments of your life, your loved ones, touching moments, rich colourful experiences, laurels you got and the hurdles you surmounted. As you realise that you have just ten minutes left, you will smile from deep within. There is so much to be grateful for. And there are so many experiences you want to relive all over again — experiences you never ever cared to remember before as you took life for granted. It takes the reality of death at the doorstep to realise that we are blessed. Life has showered each one of us with so much richness, but we do not see it. Many of us fear death. But can we stop death? Can we delay it according to our will? That is why it is silly to worry about something we have no control over. Instead, let us celebrate life. Living is a process of dying, said Krishnamurthi, a philosopher. He talks about how birds in the early morning chatter away merrily without worrying about whether they are going to die the next morning. So, live as if today is the last day. Dance. Sing. Watch the raindrops on a petal. Enjoy the aroma of wet mud. Hear the birds talk... Listen to the rustle of the leaves as the wind whistles past. Give something to someone without wanting anything in return. Give to someone who cannot even return the grace. Surprise yourself by doing something out of the way. Stop being so boring and predictable and instead do something that makes your heart sing. Do not worry about what others around you will think or say. Remember that it does not matter. What matters is how you feel. We all need to value the moment now. By Ramesh Menon 0 Comments

JUST A MOM? Oct 6, 2008 4:10 am 378 Views A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office, was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. 'What I mean is, ' explained the recorder, 'do you have a job or are you just a ?' 'Of course I have a job,' snapped the woman. 'I'm a Mom.' 'We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it, 'said the recorder emphatically. I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, 'Official Interrogator' or 'Town Registrar.' 'What is your occupation?' she probed. What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out. 'I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations.' The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. 'Might I ask,' said the clerk with new interest, 'just what you do in your field?' Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, 'I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't) In the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.' There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than 'just another Mom. 'Motherhood! What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door. Does this make grandmothers 'Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations' And great grandmothers 'Executive Senior Research Associates?' I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts 'Associate Research Assistants.' 2 Comments

EASY V/S DIFFICULT Oct 6, 2008 2:49 am 356 Views Easy is to judge the mistakes of others Difficult is to recognize our own mistakes Easy is to talk without thinking Difficult is to refrain the tongue Easy is to hurt someone who loves us. Difficult is to heal the wound... Easy is to forgive others Difficult is to ask for forgiveness Easy is to set rules. Difficult is to follow them... Easy is to dream every night. Difficult is to fight for a dream... Easy is to show victory. Difficult is to assume defeat with dignity... Easy is to admire a full moon. Difficult to see the other side... Easy is to stumble with a stone. Difficult is to get up... Easy is to enjoy life every day. Difficult to give its real value... Easy is to promise something to someone. Difficult is to fulfill that promise... Easy is to say we love. Difficult is to show it every day... Easy is to criticize others. Difficult is to improve oneself... Easy is to make mistakes. Difficult is to learn from them... Easy is to weep for a lost love. Difficult is to take care of it so not to lose it. Easy is to think about improving. Difficult is to stop thinking it and put it into action... Easy is to think bad of others Difficult is to give them the benefit of the doubt... Easy is to receive Difficult is to give Easy to read this Difficult to follow Easy is keep the friendship with words 1 comment

Am I A Fireman Yet?? Oct 4, 2008 10:36 pm 304 Views In Phoenix , Arizona , a 26-year-old mother stared down at her 6 year old son, who was dying of terminal leukemia. Although her heart was filled with sadness,she also had a strong feeling of determination. Like any parent, she wanted her son to grow up & fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible. The leukemia would see to that. But she still wanted her son's dream to come true. She took her son' s hand and asked, "Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted to be once you grew up? Did you ever dream and wish what you would do with your life?" Mommy, "I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up." Mom smiled back and said, "Let's see if we can make your wish come true." Later that day she went to her local fire Department in Phoenix , Arizona , where she met Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big as Phoenix . She explained her son's final wish and Asked if it might be possible to give her 6 year-old son a ride around the block on a fire engine. Fireman Bob said, "Look, we can do better than that. If you'll have your son ready at seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make him an honorary Fireman for the whole day. He can come down to the fire station, eat with us, go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards! And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform for him, with a real fire hat - not a toy -- one-with the emblem of the Phoenix Fire Department on it, a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots." "They're all manufactured right here in Phoenix , so we can get them fast." Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy, dressed him in his uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck. Billy got to sit on the back of the truck and help steer it back to the fire station. He was in heaven. There were three fire calls in Phoenix that day and Billy got to go out on all three calls. He rode in the different fire engines, the Paramedic's' van, and even the fire chief's car. He was also videotaped for the local news program. Having his dream come true, with all the love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy, that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible. One night all of his vital signs began to drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed in the hospice concept - that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital. Then she remembered the day Billy had spent as a Fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and asked if it would be possible to send a fireman in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition. The chief replied, "We can do better than that. We'll be there in five minutes. Will you please do me a favor? When you hear the sirens screaming and see the lights flashing, will you announce over the PA system that there is not a fire?" "It's the department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will you open the window to his room?" About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital and extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor open window-------- 16 fire-fighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room. With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they LOVED him. With his dying breath, Billy looked up at the fire chief and said, "Chief, am I really a fireman now?" "Billy, you are, and the Head Chief, Jesus, is holding your hand," the chief said With those words, Billy smiled and said, "I know, He's been holding my hand all day, and he angels have been singing.." He closed his eyes one last time. 0 Comments

Laugh a bit Oct 4, 2008 10:21 pm 292 Views Lady : Is this my train? Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company. Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi. Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy. Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again? Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time. Wife : Do you want dinner? Husband : Sure, what are my choices? Wife : Yes and no. A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda." Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time? Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will. Customer : I bet you, it won't. Post Master : Why not? Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai. An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist. 'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.' 'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist. 'How long has what been going on?' said the man. Girl : Do you love me? Boy : Yes Dear. Girl : Would you die for me? Boy : No, mine is undying love. 1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window! 2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor. 1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions. Man : How old is your father? Boy : As old as me. Man : How can that be? Boy : He became a father only when I was born. Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field" Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field Teacher : How? Student : Ladies first. Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg. Customer (A Docter) : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card. 0 Comments

Waiters in Hotels & Restaurants Oct 4, 2008 10:18 pm 248 Views Customer : Waiter, do you serve pigs? Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone. Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop? Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste? Customer : No, I can't. Waiter : Then does it really matter? Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup. Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers. Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup. Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much. Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup. Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard? Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up? Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller. Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny. Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing? 0 Comments

Crazy Women Oct 4, 2008 12:09 pm 301 Views A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.' The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' He says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are.' Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. 'I want the house,' he says insistently.. Up to 80. 'I want the car, too,' he continues. 85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!' The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?' The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. 'No, I've got everything I need,' she says. 'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?' Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag.' Moral of the Story : Women are crazy!!!! Don't mess with them!! 2 Comments

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