omg......this was soooo hilarious I had to blog it here........NO OFFENCE MEANT TO ANYONE
WE ARE THE WORLD
Bengali One Bengali = poet. Two Bengalis = a film society. Three Bengalis = political party. Four Bengalis = two political parties. More than four Bengali's = Countrywide agitation to bring Ganguli into Team.
Bihari One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav. Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad. Three Biharis = caste killing. Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.
Punjabi One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky. Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky. Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds. Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.
Mallu One Mallu = coconut stall. Two Mallus = a boat race. Three Mallus = Gulf job racket. Four Mallus = oil slick.
UP Bhaiyya One UP bhaiyya = a milkman. Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop. Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly. Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.
Kannadiga One Kannadiga = Mini-India. Two Kannadiga = Software Firm. Three Kannadiga = Government Dissolution (Hats off to Devegowda). Four Kannadiga = Agitation for Kaveri Water.
Gujju One Gujju = share-broker in a Bombay train. Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train. Three Gujjus = Bombay's noisiest restaurant. Four Gujjus = stock market scam.
Andhraite One Andhraite = chili farmer. Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey. Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit. Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.
Kashmiri One Kashmiri = carpet salesman. Two Kashmiris = carpet factory. Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit. Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.
Tamil-Brahmin One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple. Two Tam-Brahms = maths tuition class. Three Tam-Brahms = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m. Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara.
Bombayite One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall. Two Bombayites = film studio. Three Bombayites = slum. Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour.
Sindhi One Sindhi = currency racket. Two Sindhis = papad factory. Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar. Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.
Marwari One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator. Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta. Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis. Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community.
Haryanvi One Haryanavi = tube light Two Haryanavi = agriculture Three haryannavi= Lathi squad Four haryanavi = actually just one was enough
New chemical Element Discovered by William DeBuvitz
This bit of humor was written in April 1988 and appeared in the January 1989 issue of The Physics Teacher. William DeBuvitz is a physics professor at Middlesex County College in Edison, New Jersey (USA). He retired in June of 2000.
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
This was sent to me by an army friend( though retired now ) and I laughed so much that I knew I had to share it here
RETIREMENT BONUS….ARMY STYLE
If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humour impaired!
The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of Rs.10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of Rs.720,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with Rs.960,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my tool to my test-icles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.
But the old sergeant insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the sergeant to 'drop 'em,' which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant's tool and began to work back.
'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place ... smack his butt again!'
If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for YOU!!!
I like to plan because I am a planner. I like thinking ahead. I like being prepared. I get a high from being on top of things. But some things are beyond planning. And life doesn't always turn out as planned.
You don't plan for a broken heart. You don't plan for a failed business venture. You don't plan for an adulterous husband. Or a wife who wants you out of her life. You don't plan for an autistic child. You don't plan for spinsterhood. You don't plan for a lump in your breast.
You plan to be young forever. You plan to climb the corporate ladder. You plan to be rich and powerful. You plan to be acclaimed and successful. You plan to conquer the universe. You plan to fall in love - and be loved forever.
You don't plan to be sad. You don't plan to be hurt. You don't plan to be broke. You don't plan to be betrayed. You don't plan to be alone in this world
You plan to be happy. You don't plan to be shattered. Sometimes if you work hard enough, you can get what you want.
But most times, what you want and what you get are two different things.
We, mortals, plan. But so does God in the heavens.
Sometimes, it is difficult to understand God's plans especially when His plans are not in consonance with ours.
Often, when God sends us crisis, we turn to Him in anger. True, we cannot choose the cross that God wishes us to carry, but we can carry that cross with courage knowing that God will never abandon us nor send something we cannot cope with.
Sometimes, God breaks our spirit to save our soul. Sometimes, He breaks our heart to make us whole. Sometimes, God sends us pain so we can be stronger. Sometimes, God sends us failure so we can be humble. Sometimes God sends us illness so we can take better care of ourselves. Sometimes, God takes everything away from us so we can learn the value of everything He gave us.
Make plans - but understand that we live by God's grace.
( This was posted here earlier...but posting it again for those who missed reading it....pls do enjoy this joke and have a happy weekend !!!! )
You've got to read this all the way through!!!!!!!
This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'.
The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partners answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'
Contestant: 'Brian.'
DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
DJ: 'Thank you. Now what is your wife's name ? First only please'
Brian: 'Sara.'
DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'
Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever ha that if a trip wasn't at stake.'
Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'
Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'
DJ: 'Uh huh...'
Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower a the time.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'
DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.You listen to this.'
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?'
(Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
Clerk: 'This is she.'
DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give anyanswers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
Sarah: 'No.'
DJ: 'Good!'
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'
DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
DJ: 'What time?'
Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Well...'
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: 'Up the ar$e.....'
They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.
Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.
This is pure copy-paste from an email sent by a friend.......This is NOT for prudes
Tattooo.........solution to the problem
A very distinguished looking Indian lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down. The Proprietor, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.
To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her silk sari and points to her right inner thigh, very high "Right here," she says, "I want you to tattoo a clay lamp, and underneath it I want the word Diwali."
Then she points to her left thigh just as high up, and says, "On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top, and underneath it I want the word 'Christmas'
The owner looks at her. "Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ! ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?"
"Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to eat between Diwali and Christmas".
