THIS IS PURE COPY-PASTE ......THIS WAS SENT BY A VERY GOOD FRIEND BY MAIL..... NO OFFENCE MEANT TO ANYONE.....JUST LAUGH AND ENJOY
1. A is for Affice. This is where the average Kolkattan goes and spends a day hard(ly) at work. If he is in the Government he will arrive at 11, wipe his forehead till 12, have a tea break at 12.30, throw around a few files at 12.45, break for lunch at 1, smoke an unfiltered cigarette at 2, break for tea at 3, sleep sitting down at 4 and go home at 5. It's a hard life!
2. B is for Bhision('Vision' for the uninitiated). For some reason most of the Bengalis don't have good bhision. In fact in Kolkata most people are wearing spectacles all the time. The effects of this show in the city.
3. C is for Chappell. This is the Bengali word for the Devil, for the worst form of evil. In the night mothers put their kids to sleep saying 'go to bed, or Chappel will come and take you away.'
4. D is for Debashish. By an ancient law every fourth Bengali Child has to be named Debashish. So you have a Debashish everywhere and trying to get creative they are also called Deb, Debu, Deba with variations like Debnath and Deboprotim thrown in.
5. E is for eeesh. This is a very common Bengali exclamation made famous by Aishwarya Rai in the movie Devdas. It is estimated that on an average a Bengali uses eeesh 10,089 times every year. (That's counting eeesh and other eeesh-ish words).
6. F is for Feesh. These are creatures that swim in rivers and seas and are a favourite food of the Bengalis. Despite the fact that a fish market has such strong smells, with one sniff a Bengali knows if a fish is all right. If not he will say 'eeeesh what feeesh is theeesh!'
7. G is for Good name. Every Bengali Boy will have a good name like Debashish or Deboprotim and a pet name like Shontuda, Chonti, and Dinku. While every Bengali Girl will be Paromita or Protima as well as Shampa, Champa and Tuki. Basically your nickname is there to kiil your good name.
8. H is for Harmonium. The Bengali equivalent of a rock guitar. Take four Bengalis and a Harmonium and you have the successors to The Bheatles!
9. I is for lleesh. This is a feeesh with 10,000 bones which would kill any ordinary person, but which the Bengalis eat with releeesh!
10. J is for Jhola. No self respecting Bengali is complete without his Jhola. It is a shapeless cloth bag where he keeps all his belongings and he fits an amazing number of things in. Even as you read this there are 2 million jholas bobbling around Kolkata- and they all look exactly the same!
11. K is for Kee Kando. It used to be the favourite Bengali exclamation till eeesh took over because of Aishwarya Rai (now Kee Kando's agent is trying to hire Bipasha Basu).
12. L is for Lungi. People in Kolkata manage to play football and cricket wearing it. Now there is talk of a lungi expedition to Mt. Everest .
13. M is for Minibus. These are dangerous half buses whose antics would effortlessly frighten the living daylights out of Formula 1 race drivers.
14. N is for Nangtoe. This is the Bengali word for Naked. It is the most interesting naked word in any language!
15. O is for Oil. The Bengalis believe that a touch of mustard oil will cure anything from cold (oil in the nose), to earache (oil in the ear), to cough (oil on the throat) to piles (oil you know where!)
16. P is for Phootball. This is always a phavourite phassion of the Kolkattan. Every Bengali is born an expert in this game. The two biggest clubs there are Mohunbagan and East Bengal and when they play the city comes to a stop.
17. Q is for Queen. This really has nothing to do with the Bengalis or Kolkata, but it's the only Q word I could think of at this moment. There's also Quilt but they never use them in Kolkata.
18. R is for Rabi Thakur. Many years ago Rabindranath got the Nobel Prize. This allows everyone in Kolkata to frame their acceptance speeches and walk with their head held high and look down at Delhi and Mumbai!
19. S is for Sardarjee whom Bengalis are very envious of because he is born with a semi-monkey cap on.
20. T is for Trams. Hundred years later there are still trams in Kolkata. Of course if you are in a hurry it's faster to walk.
21. U is for Umbrela. When a Bengali baby is born he is handed one.
22. V is for Violence. Bengalis are the most non-violent violent people around. When an accident happens they will shout and scream and curse and abuse, but the last time someone actually hit someone was in 1979.
23. W is for Water. For three months of the year the city is underwater and every year for the last 200 years the authorities are taken by surprise by this!
24. X is for X mas. It's very big in Kolkata, with Park Street fully lit up.
25. Y is for Yastarday. Which is always better than today for a Bengali.
A message for all on Women's Day ( A repeat post of an earlier blogpost )
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MOM AND DAD
Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed"
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.
Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button
She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.
She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.
She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.
Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.
Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said.
She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.
She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.
About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. "I'm going to bed."
And he did...without another thought.
Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...?
CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL..... (and we can't die sooner, we still have things to do!!!!)
WISHING ALL THE WONDERFUL WOMEN HERE IN IFF ....A WONDERFUL AND ENRICHING WOMEN'S DAY !!
THE ABC OF PUNJABI A for Adjust. Punjabis will always ask you to adjust whenever they want to push you around.
B for Backside. It has nothing to do with your bum, it is an instruction to go to the rear of a building, or block, or shop or whatever.
C for Cloney. It's not a process for replicating sheep, nor is its first name George. It is merely an area where people live e.g. ... Defence Cloney.
D for Daru-sharu. The most popular health & energy drink. It is believed that there must have been some error in the scientific conclusion that life began with water.
E for Expanditure. Punjabis are never shy of spending money – the latest cars, gadgets, marble floors: their ambitions are always expanding.
F for Fackade. Even though it sounds like a bad word it is actually just the front of a building (with backside being the back, of course).
G for Gaddi. The way a Punjabi can pilot his gaddi puts any F1 driver to shame. (If the Grand Prix does come to Delhi there's no way a Schumaker, Hamilton, Alonso or Kimi can overtake our Balvinder, Jasvinder, Sukhvinder or Harvinder.)
H for Ho Jayega Ji. The moment you hear that you have to be careful because you can be reasonably sure it's not going to happen.
I for Intezaar. To know more about it see P.
J for Jindagi. If there's one person who knows how to live life to the fullest it's a Punjabi.
K for Khanna, Khurana, Khosla etc. The Punjabi equivalent of the Joneses ( e.g. keeping up with the Khoslas' )
L for Lovely. Unfortunately she almost never is.
M for Mrooti. The car that an entire generation of Punjabis were in love with.
N for No Problem Ji. To find out how that works see H.
O for Oye. This can be a surprise (Oyye!), a greeting (Oyy!), anger (OYY!) or pain (Oy oy oy...).
P for Panj Mint. No matter how near (1 km) or far (100 km) a Punjabi is from you he always says he'll reach you in panj mint..
Q for Queue. A word completely untranslatable into Punjabi.
R for Riks. Punjabi is always prepared to take one, even if the odds are against him.
S for Sweetie. Bunty, Pappu and Sonu, who seem to own half the cars in Delhi..
T for official bird of Punjab. Tandoori chicken.
U for uncle ji. When you lose your sex appeal and become 'Uncle-ji'
V for VIP. Phone numbers @ Rs 15 lakh and counting.
W for Whan, As in 'Whan are you coming, ji?'
X for the many X-rated. Words that flow freely in all Punjabi conversations.
Y for 'You Nonsense'. When anger replaces vocabulary in a shouting match.
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SE-KS? (Because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SE-KS? (They don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (They don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You'r e laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7 . HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (Don't know.....it never happened)
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your Blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he s tepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor
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Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men.
------------------------------ --------- Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"
See how people write leave Applications. It's the murder of the English language. But it's Too Funny.
Just Read and Enjoy
The Leave Applications
· Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave." ------------------------------------------------
· This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."
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· Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
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· From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
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· Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
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· An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
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· A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
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· Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."
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· Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
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· Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."
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· Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
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· Letter writing:- "I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."
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· A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
