Statutory warning : Copy paste...for those friends who haven't read this earlier
Fireman's Drill....
A Fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the heck is BELL 4?" asked the husband...
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE." .....
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bags, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag...'
'Damn!' says the little old lady.....'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money ? Did you steal it ?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game; a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!' So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off it comes!'
'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in the other bag?
'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay.'
Sorry...I couldn't stop myself from posting this as soon as I got this by email .....I loved it
Essential New Words For The Work Place
TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed, or a project failed, and exactly who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and everybody and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement - by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and peoples' heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. Also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
This is for those who missed reading it anywhere...
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: Dark in here..
Man: Yes it is.
Boy: I have a baseball.
Man: That's nice.
Boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No, thanks.
Boy: My dad's outside.
Man: OK, how much?
Boy: $250.
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes, it is.
Boy: I have a baseball glove.
Man: How much?
Boy: $750.
Man: Fine.
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
Another Copy-Paste stuff from the Best and Cheapest Copy-Paste Blogger
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, 'This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you.'
'But wait,' he said. 'If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!'
'Really? Great! Show me!'
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
'Well,' said the interviewer, 'that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!'
'Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!'
'Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?'
'Oh, that,' he sighed. 'Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?'
Statutory warning : This is copy paste stuff from a friend...for those who haven't heard this before
I'm sure the guys will enjoy this joke.....No offence ladies
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, try telling HIM you have a headache, like you do always."
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. In fact, just leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of car payments.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Some days you're the bug. Some days you're the windshield.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform seks-ually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year."
Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.
That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne.
After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123" and suddenly he becomes more aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised.
His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.
