Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white"? "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black"?
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran, she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered "Call for backup."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters"? Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter"? Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff"? The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him, How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $ 6000.00.cash and gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".
The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.
Noticing a Few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies for everybody in this company".
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who 's the young man that I just fired ?"
You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise them in all magazines. You create a Cow City or Milk Town for them. You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legit and shady investors who hope to resale the non-existent milk for a 100% profit in two years time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cow first to attract attention.
QATAR SYSTEM:
You have two cows. They've been sitting there for decades and no one realizes that cows can produce milk. You see what Dubai is doing, you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows boobs in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first place.
SAUDI SYSTEM:
Since milking the cow involves nipples the govt decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow in on one side of the curtain and the guy milking the cow on the other or to hire females and train to milk the cows ... the debate is still going on.
BAHRAIN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. Some high govt official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The govt tells you there is just one cow and not enough milk for the ppl. The ppl riot and scream death to the govt and carry Iranian flags. The Parliament, after thinking for 11 month, decide to employ ten Bahrainis to all milk the cow at the same time so cut back on unemployment.
LEBANON SYSTEM:
You have two cows. One is owned by Syria and the other is controlled by the govt.
EGYPT SYSTEM:
You have two cows. Both are voting for Mobarak!
ISRAEL SYSTEM:
You have no cows. You steal your neighbour's and say its yours.
SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.
NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad for beer.
INDIAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows, and a well. Each cow produces 5 litres of milk each, and you sell 50 litres of milk per day.
KERALA SYSTEM:
You have two cows, and you employ four people at rates prescribed by the unions to milk the cow. You have to provide them a basic salary, DA, TA, medical benefits, provident fund, pension, etc. and your wife milks the cow as your employees are on strike. Naturally, the business would be unprofitable, but you can't sell the cows as it would lead to a lockout of the production unit, which will lead to unemployment for the four employees. So, you will go to Dubai to milk cows there and provide salary to your employees and your wife would milk the cows here.
Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy because the electricity bill had not been paid. " Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma? " "Yes... speaking" Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!" "How did YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy. "What are you saying? It's in your files ..HOW?????" " Yes ............ . We have a system of finding out who's overdue " " GOD!!!!!!... ...... This is too much........ .." "Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue" "I know that ... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... He will speak to your company tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Reliance office the next day morning. "What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down, Sir" says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "PAY you? And if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
The mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.
The taxes I pay because it means that I'm employed.
The clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.
My shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
A lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
All the complaining I hear about our government because it means we have freedom of speech.
The space I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.
My huge heating bill because it means I am warm.
The lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.
The piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.
Weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive.
The alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I'm alive.
Getting too much email bogs me down but at least I know I have friends who are thinking of me.
Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when The alarm rings, thank you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.
Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as possible, thank you, Lord, that I can see. Many are blind.
Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising, thank you Lord, that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.
Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost, toast is burned and tempers are short, thank you, Lord, for My family. There are many who are lonely.
Even though our breakfast table never looks like the pictures in magazines and the menu is at times unbalanced, thank you, Lord, for the food we have. There are many who are hungry;
Even though the routine of my job often is hard, thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.
Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my circumstances were not so modest, thank you, Lord, for life.
A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift.
A friend is someone we treasure for our friendship is a gift,
A friend is someone who fills our lives with Beauty, Joy, and Grace And makes the world we live in A Better and Happier Place.
When she is 18 - She is a football, 22 men going after her. When she is 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her. When she is 38 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her. When she is 48 - She is a ping pong ball, 2 men desperately passing her back to the other.
MAN
At 20 - A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give. At 30 - He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious. At 40 - He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy. At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once in a year. At 60 - He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkled and cheap.
( never let it be said we women are not fair....so here is their version )
*MAN LAWS
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side....***
* These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" On Purpose!** * 1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
* 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
* 1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
* 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
* 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
* 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
* 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
* 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
* 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
* 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
* 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
* 1. When we have to go somewhere in a hurry, absolutely anything you wear is fine. REALLY!
* 1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYNconfirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. _________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month ____________________________________________
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pickup the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing ___________________________________________
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it. 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle. 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in. ______________________________________________
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they needit or not. 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed. 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start tocomplain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees. __________________________________________
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, andBaby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. _________________________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you callhome five times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave anumber where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. _______________________________________________
At Home: 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your olderchild isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!________________________________________________
GRANDCHILDREN:God's reward for allowing your children to live!
