[A circular was found in one of the office notice boards]
Dear STAFF, Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.
TRANSPORTATION: It is advised that you come to work driving a car, befitting your salary. a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise. c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
ANNUAL LEAVE: Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year (Wow! said 1 employee). - They are called SUNDAYs.
LUNCH BREAK: a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. - If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
TOILET USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken. c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.
SURGERY: As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. - You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. - To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
INTERNET USAGE: All personal InterNET usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if there is no bonus, charges will be deducted from your salary.
- Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection.
Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their InterNET charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Impersonal masked faces , cool voices intruding in her loneliness cloying smell of sweet ether, painless prick of the needle the glint of light on steel, bliss of undisturbed sleep lightened the guilt but for just a few euphoric moments till reality pulled her lids apart to the bitter reckoning of her blood stained hands that signed her shame away the fruit of guilty passion and unbridled love the seed implanted unknown into a womb run almost dry she laughed , she cried and wished that pain would drown her bitter longing for the one she lost nay , the one she slay , the voice stifled the breath stilled , the life choked her eyes met his, reflected pain and misery soothed her aching heart, calmed her churning thoughts hands clasped together , they mourned their loss they clung to each other ,till time drew them apart to return home alone, she to hers and he to his for their love was never meant to be.
TAMIL JOKES: Whats the opposite of Gopalakrishnan? Comepalakrishnan. What is the opposite of Subramnium Swamy? Subramanium Didn't See Me. How do they start a road race in Tamil Nadu? Ready...Steady...PO What do you call a really colourful Tamilian? Rangamannar Rangarajan. What is the Tamil name for the tallest building in Japan? Nikkumo Nikkado (Will it or wont it stand?) What is the difference between Kunnankudi Vaidyanathan and Gandhi? One is a violinist, the other is a non-violanist!
MALAYALEE JOKES: What do you call an amazing Malayalee? - Pheno Menon. What do you call a dashing Malayalee? - Debo Nair. What do you call a Malayalee drunkard? - Kutty Sark. Why do they require 5 people for a Malayalee funeral? Four to carry the coffin and one person to carry the two-in-one. Why did the Malayalee cross the road? To join the trade union on the other side.
SINDHI JOKES: What do you call: A god fearing Sindhi? Bhagwandas Godwani A Sindhi painter? Sadarangani A Sindhi chef? Papadmull Kukreja A Sindhi electrician? Voltram Bijlani A Sindhi milkman? Gopal Dudeja A Sindhi pest control contractor? Khatmull Marwani A Sindhi stripper working in New York? Barbra Jhangiani A Sindhi casanova? Prem Kissinchandani A Sindhi fire-engine? Bhambhani A Sindhi detergent? Neelam Rin-dani (Rin is a Detergent) A Sindhi postman? Mailwani A communist Sindhi? Karl Lal-wani (Lal for the red communist flag) A fashionable Sindhi? Jogio Armani A heroic Sindhi soldier? Hiroo Sipahimalani A forgetful Sindhi? Bulo Bhulchandani A fat Sindhi? Hathiramani A downtrodden Sindhi? Nichani A corrupt Sindhi? Chaipani (Chai-pani is colloquial for bribe') A Sindhi fly? Makhija What do you call a Sindhi with six knees : Sahani ( Shahaknee) A Sindhi who falls from the 1st floor? Thad-ani (Thud-ani) A Sindhi who falls from the 10th floor? Kriplani (Cripple-ani) Why are a Sindhis nostrils big? Because air is free
MAHARASHTRIAN JOKES What do you call a modern Maharashtrian? Western Ghat. What do you call a Maharashtrian tailor? Sadashiv. Which Maharashtrians wrote the book 'Apartheid in South Africa?' Dhaval Gore and Krishnakant Kale. What did Bruce Lee say to the Maharashtrian? Tumhi Marathe, Aamhi Karate.
GUJJU JOKES: Why did the Gujjus think the man who acted as Gandhi in the film was a woman? Because his name was 'Ben Kingsley. Why does the Gujju go to London? To see his Big Ben. Why does the Gujju take a 2-in-1 to the bathroom? Because his mom said that water came out of the tape (tap) Why did the visitor to the Gujju home run away when he was offered tea? Because the Gujju said he would serve snakes with it. (snacks) What is a Gujju picnic called? A snake in the grass
What did the Gujju mean when he said, Maro dikro STATES magayon? His son failed in statistics. Maro dikro Dubai gayo? My son drowned. Why was the Gujju stacking up pennies on the day before exams? He wanted to get cent-par-cent. What do you call a knee less gujju ? Nilesh (Pronounced Nee-Less)
BENGALI JOKES: An angry Bengali letter? Chitti-chitti Bong! Bong A talkative Bengali? Bulbul Chatterjee An outlawed Bengali? Kanoon Banerjee An enlightened Bengali? Jyoti Basu A stupid Bengali girl? Balika Buddhu A Bengali marriage? Bedding A Bengali voyeur? Keyhollo A mad Bengali? In Sen (insane) A dark Bengali who lives in a cave? Kalidas Guha A perfumed Bengali? Chandan Dass A Bengali goldsmith? Shonar Bongla What's bigger than the Bay of Bengal? The Bengali Ego When does a Bengali sound like a dog? When he says Bow (wow) Also when he bharks! (works).
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steamed. Air Fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad t he smell was, he agreed on a Price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home....
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having got seven children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married, I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the bhangra, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the bhalle-bhalle. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o' clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say, this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years experience said if we made love while breast feeding, we would be all right. Well, I finished up with a clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy ,but the wife got pregnant again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse, this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant.
I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
We tried the coil next, but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely right- hand screw.
The Dutch cap was next, and seemed to be our answer. But the wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
Eventually, we tried the Pill. But it kept dropping out, so she tied it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation, I will have to resort to oral sex. and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.
Below are true descriptions of zodiac signs, with traits from a book written 35 years ago by an astrologer.
Check out if it’s true in your case …
ARIES - The Liar Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, Addictive. Loud.
TAURUS - The Tramp Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth!
GEMINI - Irresistible Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in the you know where... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE.
CANCER - The Cutie MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak. Spontaneous. Great at telling stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock yourlights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to.
LEO - The Lion Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found.
VIRGO - The One that Waits Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only.
LIBRA - The Lame One Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However, not the kind of person you want to mess with... you might end up crying.
SCORPIO - The Addict EXTREMELY adorable. Intelligent. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Energetic. Predict future. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Caring.
SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind.
CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future.Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to own Gemini's in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart.
AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out.
PISCES - The Partner for Life Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always lets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet.
These Are Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine
Messages:
10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.
7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
