I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having got seven children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married, I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the bhangra, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the bhalle-bhalle. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o' clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say, this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years experience said if we made love while breast feeding, we would be all right. Well, I finished up with a clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy ,but the wife got pregnant again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse, this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant.
I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
We tried the coil next, but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely right- hand screw.
The Dutch cap was next, and seemed to be our answer. But the wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
Eventually, we tried the Pill. But it kept dropping out, so she tied it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation, I will have to resort to oral sex. and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.
Below are true descriptions of zodiac signs, with traits from a book written 35 years ago by an astrologer.
Check out if it’s true in your case …
ARIES - The Liar Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, Addictive. Loud.
TAURUS - The Tramp Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth!
GEMINI - Irresistible Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in the you know where... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE.
CANCER - The Cutie MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak. Spontaneous. Great at telling stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock yourlights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to.
LEO - The Lion Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found.
VIRGO - The One that Waits Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only.
LIBRA - The Lame One Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However, not the kind of person you want to mess with... you might end up crying.
SCORPIO - The Addict EXTREMELY adorable. Intelligent. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Energetic. Predict future. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Caring.
SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind.
CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future.Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to own Gemini's in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart.
AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out.
PISCES - The Partner for Life Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always lets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet.
These Are Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine
Messages:
10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.
7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
This was forwarded by a friend and I laughed so much that I couldn't resist sharing it here...Forgive me if it sounds gross to anyone.
Points to ponder.......funny but a bit crude !!
1. Do farts smell for the benefit of the deaf?
2. What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
3. Seen on a tombstone “I told you I was sick”.
4. If it has tyres or testicles, you are going to have trouble with it sooner or later. And don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.
5. I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
6. If god had wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
7. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there’s wet paint somewhere you have to touch it to make sure.
8. You know you are getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you are down there.
9. All my life I always wanted to be somebody. I realize now that I should have been more specific.
10. It’s been a rough day so far. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I opened the door and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go the bathroom.
11. A man with a pierced ear is better prepared for marriage. He has already experienced pain and bought jewellery.
12. If you are in hell and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
13. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when it’s in your ass?
14. If swimming is good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
15. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares?....He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
16. Why be difficult when with a little bit of effort you can be impossible?
17. Live in the present. If you spend your life with one foot in the past and one foot in the future….you’ll piss all over today!!
18. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
HERE ARE SOME CLEANING TIPS THAT MAKE TOTAL SENSE !!!!!!!
DIRT: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.
COBWEBS: Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations)
PET HAIR: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter)
DUSTING: If dusting is really out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."
GENERAL CLEANING: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
Light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean.
Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.
Subject: The importance of letting the companies know how much you appreciate their products
Letter to Tide
Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.
Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go.I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people . .
Aug 6, 2007 5:20 am Mood: contemplative, 768 Views
I don't know how true any of this is, but it made interesting reading...
1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened,making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight & sleep tight."
2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based; this period was called the honey month or what was known today as the honeymoon.
3. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
4. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
5. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King; the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.U.C.K.(Fornicatio n Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from.
6. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden... . and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
You tell your parents you got 98%, and they ask you what happened to the other two percent.
There is a sale on any item, you buy 100 of them.
You make tea in a saucepan.
You never buy bin bags, but use your saved grocery bags for it.
You put your clothes in suitcases instead of wardrobes.
You have a 'Singer' sewing machine at home.
Your mother has a minor disagreement with her sister and doesn't talk to her for ten years.
You call an older person you've never met before "uncle".
You hide everything from your parents.
Your mother does everything for you if you are male.
You do all the housework and cooking if you are female.
Your relatives alone could populate a small city.
Everyone is a family friend.
Everyone always called you for help on homework.
You study law, medicine or engineering at university.
You were thick so you studied computer science or business instead.
You know no one who has studied music.
You went to a university as far away from home as possible.
You still came back home to live with your parents after you had finished.
Your best friend got married at the age of 18.
You use chilli sauce instead of tomato ketchup.
You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
You avoid public places when with a member of the opposite sex, especially if there is an acquaintance within a 250 miles radius.
You always say "open the light" instead of "turn the light on".
You secure your baggage with a rope.
You're walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see all twenty-five members of your family who have come to pick you up.
You get very upset when airlines refuse to accept your luggage which is just 80 lbs. overweight.
You go back to your parents' country and people treat you like a member of the royal family.
You ask your dad a simple question and he tells you story of how he had to walk miles barefoot just to get to school.
Your Dad drives a Nissan.
You're rich so he drives a Mercedes.
You are ALWAYS taking off and putting on your shoes wherever you go
When you were little you always wondered why your English friends waited until after breakfast to brush their teeth when you did it first thing in the morning.
To your English friends, oil is used purely for cooking and not as a grooming aid
Your parents have nicknames but only because people they work with, just stop when trying to read their names
You have annoying nicknames like Chotu or Chicku
Your mother measures wealth in gold and diamonds
Your parents drink 3 cups of tea a day
Your parents compare you to all of their friends' kids.
No one ever seems to call ahead of time to say they are coming over for a visit.
Your parents worry what other people will think if you're not going to be a doctor/ engineer.
