For out of much affliction and anguish of heart I wrote to you with many tears; not so that you would be made sorrowful, but that you might know the love which I have especially for you.
I've been wrestling with myself these past couple weeks....whether I should write this or not....not because I fear what others may think of me...but because this is out of character for me I guess....those of u who know me know that i'm usually above this kind of blog...usually when someone wrongs me I cry about if for a while in private....maybe vent in a poem or something....and then let it go....which is what I want to do so bad right now...but I also feel a need to warn other women....he's hurt me considerably....and my pain to him means nothing as i've come to realize...so maybe this will prevent someone else from being hurt as I have,....hopefully this will get his attention, that what he is doing is wrong....cause my pain certainly means nothing to him...but then again...
...who am I 2 judge...I am certainly not perfect....I mean...I slept with a married man....why would I do such a thing....a year ago I would have never considered that....
But then I met him...I had just ended a relationship...a very painful breakup....and he made me laugh and forget about it for awhile...we quickly became friends and he seemed to genuinely care for me...I knew he was married....even had a girlfriend.. who I am very sorry I was a part of hurting....but I needed a friend so badly at the time.. and I felt he was so great,...I couldn't help falling in love with him...
Meeting him Delhi two weeks ago was supposed to be the highlight of my trip...gawd....I couldn't wait to see him waiting for me outside the airport...or as I got of the plane...would I recognize him in person...would he me?...what would we do?....I loved playing it out in my mind....I just wanted to touch him...breathe him in....I couldn't wait....he said he would love me forever....that I would always hold a special place in his heart...I loved that he called me Kels,...he was the only one who did...I loved that he loved me for me.. I made him laugh he said...
Reality set in upon arrival in delhi,...it turns out I was just a game 2 him....a toy he could manipulate by using words like ‘’ love...forever...baby... ‘’
I asked what I should do for a hotel in Delhi...he said he would take care of everything...we ended up stayin in a terrible part of town... friends telling me at one point that that is where guys take hookers... the hotel wouldn't let us get a room together.... so we had 2 get separate ones.... I ended up paying for the rooms because he said he lost 20000 rupees on the train while he was on his way to delhi and didn't have ANY money. ... he said someone in his compartment stole it from his bag when he left to go to the bathroom …
I ended up paying for the entire hotel stay...our trip to agra, taxi cabs..etc..with the promise he would pay me back in a few days.... which he did.... Rs. 3000 was all he thought he owed me.....now i'm NOT one to be petty about money....but I couldn't believe that that is how one treats a guest who has come to visit and the whole plan revolving around meeting him especially ....when I mentioned my concern for paying for both rooms he suddenly told me his plan 2 leave for home early...
He said I disappointed him...this is AFTER I got home of course....no way would he say it when I was there and possibly miss out on sex... when asked how I had disappointed him he had no answer...which is always the case with him...he will accuse and accuse but will never have anything to back it up with… it's his way of making u feel guilty... like you've done something wrong... and what you would do to get back in HIS good graces....
once he was done with me he said I lied about everything...I still have no answer as to what I lied about....because there is none...I was always honest...especially with him...he made me feel like I could be....but when u ask him for a straight answer.. he runs away & is always EVASIVE ...says ‘’ forget it’’ ..or… ‘’never mind....will talk later...’’ etc etc … how convenient for him...he even said horrible things about me to a friend..AFTER I LEFT INDIA
...this too added to my hurt beyond belief ...how could this person....the one i've trusted and loved for over a year be saying this....wasn't this the guy who just a day ago said he had fallen in love with me....He'd even professed his love for me at another IFF friends home in her prescence! Who was this person?....and how could I have been so wrong? my point...I guess...after rambling for gawd knows how long is that Jadugar is a first class MANIPULATOR & A PREDATOR ...and women are his medium...he prides himself on how many ladies he has at his disposal, he will never be satisfied with the women in his life...he cares not that his wife knows how unfaithful he is… he finds it amusing actually....how she checks his clothes for hair.. his body for marks etc every time he comes home from a trip... he cares not that he is hurting the other special lady in his life...
He will tell you all sorts of wonderful things....he will ask about your kids and family and all that is dear to you...but he is not the sweet person he makes himself out to be ...the moment it ends up not being in his favor he will turn on you, lie to you, lie about you and blame it all on u.... and wreck your self-esteem and leave ya bleeding on the roadside …which is where I am now...tryin to figure out what happened from the moment I hugged and kissed him goodbye on the side of the road...wishes of love and miss you and maybe just one more night...what happened?...what went wrong?...it sure as hell wasn't me...I will not let him manipulate me into thinking I did this... so ladies, please...don't get pulled in by his charms...
that's it at the moment till I gather my thoughts and pick up my pieces
"If raindrops fell upon my head, if lightning flashed and thunder said, this is your hour, what will you do? I'd close my eyes and think of you...Minute after minute, til my hour was through"
it's 10:10 PM....2 days since we decided it would be best if we broke all ties.......i can't sleep...i miss him...
....i don't do well with letting go....and i'm not taking this well....how do you fill the HUGE hole left behind.....i've lost my best friend....and you know i'm not going to be depressing although that was what i started out 2 do....not going to sit here and cry....well at least not in here....instead i will celebrate the time we had....
....you know how you meet someone and you just click....that's what we were....instant friends.....and although i am usually an open book...i won't be here....our relationship meant 2 much 2 me.....and although the pain is very real right now...i choose this over never having known him at all.....this past year was that much better with him in it....
so...2 my dear friend:
"Friends Forever Are we friends, Are we not. You told me once, but I forgot. So tell me now and tell me true, So I can say I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you. I'll give the angels back their wings, And risk the loss of everything. Just to prove my friendship is true, Just to have a friend like you.
A strong woman works out everyday to keep her body in shape A woman of strength builds relationships to keep her soul in shape
A strong woman is not afraid of anything A woman of strength shows courage in the midst of fear
A strong woman would not let anyone get the best of her A woman of strength gives the best of herself to everyone
A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future A woman of strength realizes life’s mistakes can also be unexpected blessings and capitalizes on them
A strong woman wears a look of confidence on her face A woman of strength wears grace
A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey A woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong
“There is nothing more attractive in a person then one who is chasing their dreams. At the same time there is nothing more disheartening to see one lose sight of their inner self in their journey.”
hmmmmmmmmm..........a short disclaimer....i've felt awful lately....can't explain why....just something gnawing at me...so excuse the ramblings. This is nymphy..raw and emotional and not making any sense at all.
my life has changed so much over the past year...i've changed..a lot ...mostly my ex 2 blam for that..who sort of started this all...made me take a step back and look at myself....i had been miserable for so long...and then he came along and made me feel again....but you know i can be quite naive at times and sometimes i ask myself did he really love me..or was he after what most guys..well all guys ...are after.....i loved him....i thought he loved me....marriage was big on our minds...but it didn't work out....and for the longest time i refused to let go....he was it for me......but eventually i was able to...IFF was a big part of that....i came here looking for something as i think most people here are...and i found it....
...met some really great people, made some incredible friends....and i wish to god i could hug all of you....found love again....and me being the nymph i am not just once......which makes me ask...do i fall 2 easily..do i give my heart away to quickly?.....is it love? have i ever been in love? how do u know for sure....or do u never know for sure until it really happens....and the big big question.....am i afraid of it...cause i seem to always pick the wrong guy to fall in love with.....maybe i'm a glutton for pain....why do i need to be needed by someone so badly....to be needed i guess is a basic human need ....is it not?....
....it's been a rough week...changes at work...changes at home....personal life not all it can be.....sometimes i wish i could stop everything just long enough to make sense of it all.....or even better....wouldn't it be great if you could go to the store and walk the aisles and pick the life you want...take it up to the counter...pay for it...have it gift wrapped with a nice little bow even....k..so that sounds a bit childish....i know...i've been accused of that many times.....but what's wrong with that..being an adult can really suck sometimes....
sometimes when i'm lying in bed at night....i stare up at the ceiling and can't fight the overwhelming feeling of being alone....it's like i can almost reach out and grab it....the feeling is so strong....and i feel like a complete waste of space....my fault entirely i know....cause that's not true.....i have so much to offer.....i have a wonderful son....great parents and brothers and sisters.....but me being the selfish person i am....that's not enough.....i want an intimate partner...someone i can share everything with.....something messy and real and forever......
hmmmm.....well..not the direction i wanted this to go....but there it is all the same....i wish i had more answers than questions...i wish i had the guts to tell the people in my life what i'm really thinking.....instead of blogging it to mostly strangers......i wish i knew what i wanted....i wish ...i wish....i wish.....i wish i wasnt such a loser.....
This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, 'It's okay honey, Mommy's here.'
Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted.
This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.
For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T.
This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.
This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors.
And for all the mothers who froze ! their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars. And that when their kids asked, 'Did you see me, Mom?' they could say, 'Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world,' and mean it.
This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.
This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the (grand)mothers who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words.
This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat.
For all the mothers who read 'Goodnight, Moon' twice a night for a year. And then read it again, 'Just one more time.'
This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.
This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.
This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls 'Mom?' in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at college -- or have their own families.
This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches, assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away.
This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them. For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.
For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting. For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.
This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.
What makes a good mother anyway? Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?
Or is it in her heart? Is it the ache she feels when she watches her son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?
The jolt that takes her from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put her hand on the back of a sleeping baby?
The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when she just wants to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in her home?
Or the need to flee from wherever she is and hug her child when she hears news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?
The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation... And for mature mothers learning to let go.
For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.
Single mothers and married mothers.
Mothers with money, mothers without.
This is for you all the mothers that have blessed this earth.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ____________ _________ _________ _______ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________ _________ _________ ______ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ____________ _________ _________ _________ _ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid! ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. ____________ _________ _________ _______ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ____________ _________ _________ ________ And the best for last: ____________ _________ _________ ________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
i love roller coasters.....they're fast and frightening....incredibly thrilling and they make u feel alive.....
.....i've heard that phrase more times than i can count....life is a roller coaster....ur up one minute the next your down.....
....today i'm down, crushed, hurting, confused, abondend, and so many adjectives more.....
....i'm sure if i take a step back and look..i will see that it's mostly my fault... my fault for falling in love with him in the first place... There are so many reasons why it was wrong to begin with...but when ur in love u don't care...
i didn't care..i still don't...i'm still in love..
..and my heart is hurting...sitting here in my office..my staff finally gone for the day...thank god...cause i've been trying to not cry all day..but nothing to stop me now...
i'm reminded of another saying.."this too shall pass"....at this point i'd like to meet the person who ever said that and shove those words right up his A**!
