For out of much affliction and anguish of heart I wrote to you with many tears; not so that you would be made sorrowful, but that you might know the love which I have especially for you.
hmmmmmmmmm..........a short disclaimer....i've felt awful lately....can't explain why....just something gnawing at me...so excuse the ramblings. This is nymphy..raw and emotional and not making any sense at all.
my life has changed so much over the past year...i've changed..a lot ...mostly my ex 2 blam for that..who sort of started this all...made me take a step back and look at myself....i had been miserable for so long...and then he came along and made me feel again....but you know i can be quite naive at times and sometimes i ask myself did he really love me..or was he after what most guys..well all guys ...are after.....i loved him....i thought he loved me....marriage was big on our minds...but it didn't work out....and for the longest time i refused to let go....he was it for me......but eventually i was able to...IFF was a big part of that....i came here looking for something as i think most people here are...and i found it....
...met some really great people, made some incredible friends....and i wish to god i could hug all of you....found love again....and me being the nymph i am not just once......which makes me ask...do i fall 2 easily..do i give my heart away to quickly?.....is it love? have i ever been in love? how do u know for sure....or do u never know for sure until it really happens....and the big big question.....am i afraid of it...cause i seem to always pick the wrong guy to fall in love with.....maybe i'm a glutton for pain....why do i need to be needed by someone so badly....to be needed i guess is a basic human need ....is it not?....
....it's been a rough week...changes at work...changes at home....personal life not all it can be.....sometimes i wish i could stop everything just long enough to make sense of it all.....or even better....wouldn't it be great if you could go to the store and walk the aisles and pick the life you want...take it up to the counter...pay for it...have it gift wrapped with a nice little bow even....k..so that sounds a bit childish....i know...i've been accused of that many times.....but what's wrong with that..being an adult can really suck sometimes....
sometimes when i'm lying in bed at night....i stare up at the ceiling and can't fight the overwhelming feeling of being alone....it's like i can almost reach out and grab it....the feeling is so strong....and i feel like a complete waste of space....my fault entirely i know....cause that's not true.....i have so much to offer.....i have a wonderful son....great parents and brothers and sisters.....but me being the selfish person i am....that's not enough.....i want an intimate partner...someone i can share everything with.....something messy and real and forever......
hmmmm.....well..not the direction i wanted this to go....but there it is all the same....i wish i had more answers than questions...i wish i had the guts to tell the people in my life what i'm really thinking.....instead of blogging it to mostly strangers......i wish i knew what i wanted....i wish ...i wish....i wish.....i wish i wasnt such a loser.....
