*****Wal-Mart Joke***** Feb 7, 2008 8:06 pm 1730 Views After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women, and loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart. Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillancecameras. 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. 2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away." 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway. 6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area. 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department. 8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme. 12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels. 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!" 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN !" And last, but not least 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!" Regards, Walmart 2 weeks ago 2 Comments

TOP 10 THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A NAKED MAN Feb 2, 2008 7:30 pm 2436 Views TOP 10 THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A NAKED MAN 1 This explains your car. 2 I never saw one like that before. 3 But it still works, right? 4 Are you cold? 5 I guess this makes me the early bird. 6 Ahhhh, it's cute. 7 Can I be honest with you? 8 Maybe it looks better in natural light. 9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? lolzzzzzzzzzz 20 Comments

*****NYMPHO MANIAC***** Jan 31, 2008 6:55 pm 2389 Views LOLZZZZZZZ, OMG, Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac. After six times she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes. On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it". After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!" Spritelynympho 13 Comments

***IF CARS WERE LIKE COMPUTERS*** Jan 29, 2008 4:26 pm 1548 Views If cars were like computers At a recent computer exposition, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If General Motors had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating: "If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2 Comments

****LIFE CHANGING SEMINARS FOR MEN**** Jan 29, 2008 4:08 pm 1592 Views SEMINARS FOR MEN In order to promote gender equality in our building, the female staff will be offering the following courses to all male staff members, regardless of marital status. Enrollment in at least ten of the following seminars is mandatory for all men wishing to remain employed here. 1. How To Combat Stupidity 2. You Too Can Do Housework 3. PMS - Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut 4. How To Fill An Ice Tray 5. Why A Vacuum Cleaner Is NOT An Appropriate Christmas Gift 6. Underestimating The Female Response To Your Coming In Drunk At 3 AM 7. Laundry Techniques 101: Don't Wash My Silks 8. Laundry Techniques 102: Discovering The Clothes Hamper 9. Parenting - No It Doesn't End With Conception 10. Get a Life - Learn to Cook 11. How To Not Act Like A Jerk When I Think You're Obviously Wrong 12. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right 13, You - The Weaker Sex 14. Reasons To Give Flowers 15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb 19. Bathroom Etiquette - Putting Down The Toilet Seat 20. The Weekend and Sports are NOT Synonymous 21. How To Shop With Your Mate Without Getting Lost 22. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency 23. Helpful Posture - Hints For Couch Potatoes 24. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works 25. How NOT To Act Younger Than Your Children 26. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver 27. Reading Directions - A Shortcut To Doing It Right The First Time 28. Bodily Noises - It's Not a Contest 29. The Attainable Goal - Eliminating "~@1$%&~#" From Your Vocabulary 30. Why You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially In Your Underwear 31. The Male Ego - Gods Little Joke 32. Fluffing the Blankets After Breaking Wind-It's Really Not Necessary If anyone would like to submit items for "SEMINARS FOR WOMEN", we'll be glad to give equal time! 4 Comments

**FYI-Friends don't stab eachother in the back..** Jan 27, 2008 1:56 pm 1604 Views One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, 'Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd.' I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon),so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses s went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, 'Those guys are jerks' They really should get lives.' He looked at me and said, 'Hey thanks!' There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books , and asked him where he lived.As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, 'Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday! He just laughed and handed me half the books. Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous! Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll be great!' He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.'Thanks,' he said. As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began 'Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends...I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story.' I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. 'Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.' I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth. Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse. God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way. Look for God in others. This is such a sweet story, i've heard it several times over the years, maybe you have too, but today as i was pondering the many friends i'm gratefull for it popped up in my mail again. Wether the story is true or not makes no difference, i hope everyone is blessed to have such a friend in their life, and i equally hope that u are such a friend to someone else. So when you wake each morning, i hope that each one of us can think how u can make someone's life better instead of making it worse, because u just never ever know what someone else is going through, or what they have been through. I can gaurantee u that no one, not a single person is born cruel, we all have bad days, some have had major turmoil and loss in their lives, u can not judge another unless you've walked in their shoes. And i can gaurantee you, that how ever big ur problems seem, when u stop to help and focus on another, urs will often seem so much smaller and less important. There is good in everyone, and i choose to see the good and overlook the bad,...and my life has been so much sweeter for it. 9 Comments

*****FOR MY DEAR FRIEND***** Jan 27, 2008 11:02 am 1681 Views Close Enough Al Wilson I saw him first in the words he wrote I saw him next in the words he spoke So many miles so far apart but close enough that he touched my heart... 10 Comments

*****ummmmm,...Ur ZIPPER IS DOWN********* Jan 25, 2008 8:55 pm 2183 Views Top Ten Most Polite Ways For a Woman to Say Your Zipper Is Down by David Letterman 10. The cucumber has left the salad. 9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. 8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson.. 6. Elvis is leaving the building. 5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage. 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction. 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus. And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped..... 1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts. 25 Comments

****MEN!!!!,.....Why do we love them******* Jan 25, 2008 8:46 pm 1518 Views The Directions Thing One day three men were walking along and came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it. The first man prayed to GOD saying, "Please, GOD, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! GOD gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours. Seeing this, the second man prayed to GOD saying, "Please, GOD, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! GOD gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to GOD saying, "Please, GOD, give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this river." And, poof! GOD turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge. )) And God created woman.... ...and she had three breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?" She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?" And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?" And God created man. According to a new survey,... ...women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. -- Jay Leno Why God Created Eve God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist's or haircut appointment by himself. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone." When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that." [U]How to Impress a Woman Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewelry, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go to the end of the earth and back for her. How to Impress a Man Show up naked. Bring beer. 16 Comments

*********GENDER POLITICS*********** Jan 24, 2008 5:30 pm 1106 Views Thanks Nick for this, LMAO HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a " BREASTED AMERICAN." ( O )( O ) 2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. " 4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION." 5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes " VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a " LOW COST PROVIDER." HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is " OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He " INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. " 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."( ' ) 1 comment

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