The Gift Of Knowing You Jul 14, 2007 2:26 pm 1292 Views The Gift Of Knowing You There are gifts of many treasures For both the young and old, From the tiniest little trinkets To great boxes filled with gold. But, put them all together And they could not stand in lieu, Of the greatest gift of all The gift of knowing you. When your times are filled with troubles Sadness, grief, or even doubt, When all those things you planned on Just aren't turning out. Just turn and look behind you From the place at which you stand, And look for me through the shadows And reach out for my hand. I will lift from you your burden And cry for you your tears, Bear the pain of all your sorrows Though it may be for a thousand years. For in the end I would be happy To have helped you start anew, It's a small price to pay For the gift of knowing you. 16 Comments

Mary had a Duck Jul 14, 2007 2:02 pm 912 Views Mary had a Duck Mary had a little lamb she also had a duck, she took it round the corner to teach it how to fry some eggs for breakfast, fry some eggs for tea the more you eat, the more you drink the more you want to Peter had a boat the boat began to rock up jumped some jaws and bit off his cocktails, ginger ales, forty cents a glass if you don't like it shove it up your ask no questions tell no lies I saw a police man doing up his flies are bad mosquitoes are worse and this is the end of my silly little verse! 7 Comments

Polite Way To Go Pee Jul 10, 2007 5:12 pm 1274 Views Polite Way To Go Pee A little word from Johnny to start the day.. During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?" I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner." The teacher fainted. 23 Comments

why parents have gray hair Jul 10, 2007 5:07 pm 1021 Views Just a reminder........ Why Parents Have Gray Hair A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your son, Chad P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home! 11 Comments

Accidents Happen Jul 9, 2007 7:04 am 1089 Views Accidents Happen Kids messing about in the backs of cars Can sometimes cause accidents to happen While accidents in the backs of cars Almost always cause kids to happen ooh think thats how i got pregnant in the 1st place 16 Comments

The Dentist's Chair Jul 9, 2007 6:52 am 885 Views The Dentist's Chair In the dentist's chair I lie I am not brave I think I'll cry He turns to me my tooth to fill I start to sweat I hear the drill I reach around and grab his crutch I begin to squeeze but not too much I move my gaze his eyes to view If you hurt me then I'll hurt you 4 Comments

Falling Down Drunk Jul 9, 2007 6:49 am Mood: giggly, 910 Views Falling Down Drunk A man had had far too much to drink Now I must go home he began to think He tried to stand up and fell to the floor So he decided to crawl out of the door Then after a little fresh air he tried again But he fell face down in the drain again “I will never get up” to himself he said I won’t try again I’ll crawl home instead His wife found him on the step asleep “I went for a drink” he said like a sheep “And I know what made you crawl so far Your wheelchair's still in the public bar” 7 Comments

A Few Jokes To Brighten Y our Day Jul 6, 2007 12:40 am 881 Views Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," replies Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" _________________________________________________ A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day. In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught." ___________________________________________________ An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting. Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere. When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago", to which the man replies "Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago." ___________________________________________________ On a train from London to Manchester an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. “You English are too stiff. You set yourself apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make you above the rest of us. Look at me… I’m me. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?” The Englishman replied, “Very sporting of your mother.” ____________________________________________________ Sign on the door of a vet's waiting room: "Back in five minutes. Sit... Stay!" A sign over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix" On the door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!" At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push." In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." A sign in the non-smoking area of a restaurant: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." Ad on the side of a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." Another slogan on the truck of a plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." Pizza shop slogan: "Seven days without pizza makes one weak." there u go for today do u feel any better for reading that i did try sorry if u feel more depressed than before 8 Comments

BIG BAD POO !!! Jul 1, 2007 2:06 pm 969 Views BIG BAD POO (To the tune of Big Bad John) Sunday morning, in the S-bend, you could see him arrive, He was nine inches long and two inches wide, Kind of broad in the center, narrow in the tip, Bobbing in the bowl like a brown battleship, Big Poo. CHORUS Big Poo...oo. Big Bad Poo. Big Poo... He emerged from the bowels of Lady Jane, With a fair bit of grunting' and a whole lot of pain. He squeezed through her cheeks with fire and ash, And into the bowl with one hell of a splash. Big Poo. CHORUS Well, he started his life the day before, As a nice, juicy beefsteak that was medium raw. Alfalfa and vegetables hung him long, And two hot cross buns made him awfully strong. Big Poo. CHORUS Six glasses of wine lubricated his wake, With some added propulsion from a chocolate cake, And the big, lumpy midriff that bumped in the bowl, Was the seed from a lichee she'd swallowed whole. Big Poo. CHORUS It took fourteen flushes to send him away, But the skid-marks he left clung on ten days. This wasn't the end of his journey south, He collected eight tampons and one dead mouse. Big Poo. CHORUS This was Just the beginning of something' more, There were curried prawns buried deep in his core, They brewed that gas they run engines from, And this floating log became an atom bomb! Big Poo. CHORUS Well, he snuck through a valve at the treatment shed, Where he lurked in the chemicals 'till they ate his head, Then with a rush of gas and an almighty bang, The whole plant went up, and the fat lady sang. Big Poo. CHORUS Well, there wasn't a whole lot left of the site, It was leveled to the ground by brown dynamite, So they inscripted a plaque, and upon it was writ: "At the bottom of this sewer, lies a big, mean shit... ...Big Poo." CHORUS RPT. CHORUS (fading...) 11 Comments

Beneath The Clock Jul 1, 2007 8:17 am 929 Views Beneath the clock I’m waiting expectantly Awaiting my blind date a little nervously He’s late but I don’t mind, at least not yet He’ll have a good reason no doubt, I bet He’s here at last and only an hour late A good-looking man it was worth the wait A kiss on the cheek and a smile how terrific Oh but his breath could stop the traffic But nobody’s perfect and he has a kind face And he’s booked a table at an exclusive place The restaurant looks fine, very expensive Let’s hope appearances are not deceptive The food is poor, and the service shambolic His conversation is dull and monosyllabic He drinks too excess and slobbers his food His table manners are nothing short of rude His drinking is driving me around the bend I really can’t wait for the evening to end The bill arrives and I’m asked to pay half My immediate reply “you’re having a laugh” He leaps to his feet and explodes with fury Then falls backwards into the shrubbery I throw him a look of contempt and disdain Embarrassed I leave saying “never again” How could I have known it would go so amiss? I just can’t believe I shaved my legs for this 11 Comments

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